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The PNDC Ezine

Be Non-Defensive - Be Strong
Volume I, Number 1 -October, 2002 By Sharon Ellison, Author of: Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Issue No. 1 - Negative Feedback, A Key to Health

My goal is to make this Ezine easy to read without being time- consuming. For easy scanning, I will keep basically the same format each time. You will find:

• The Table of Contents
• Highlights
• PNDC Tips
• Closing Thoughts

This month's free Tele-Seminar will be on:

Peace at the Table: Learn Practical skills for communicating non-defensively at family gatherings, December 19, 10 am or 4 pm PST.

You can learn more and sign-up for this event by CLICKING HERE.

The Table of Contents

Highlights

Community Networking

Conscientious Objections: Poems and Stories, by Monza Naff

Vicki Dello Joio: Chi Kung Master Teacher

Website

Highlight! Stories that show the heart of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

New! Paperback edition of the book: Taking the War Out of Our Words

New! Taking the War Out of Our Words—Entire book on tape, read by the author

PNDC Tips

Summary and Tips: Using Non-Defensive Internal Dialogues to Eliminate Old Self-Defeating Scripts

For Parents: Setting Limits Without Being Rejecting

For Couples: Having a Receptive Internal State Without Fear of Being Controlled

For Professionals: Regaining Your Power When You Feel Intimidated

A Glimpse Ahead-Workshops & Practice

Eliminating our Own Victim Mentality—Saturday, December 14

Intimidation - The Red Flag for Communication—Tuesday evening, December 17

Free Teleconference: Peace at the Table: December 19, 10:00 a.m. or 4:00 pm. (paciific)

PNDC Level I - Basic Workshop—Weekend of January 17-19

Trainers' Training— A week in the Santa Cruz mountains,
Monday, May 26 to Monday, June 2

Closing Thoughts

Power Struggle - The Epidemic Virus Infecting Us All

The Content

Community Networking Highlights

Conscientious Objections: A powerful reading of poems and story by Monza Naff

Monza's reading from her forthcoming book, Conscientious Objections was spectacular, according to the comments I heard, and my own response. Comments included, "It was a whole body experience," "It wasn't just a reading, it was a performance," "I had the experience of realizing what poetry can really be for the first time in my life." "She took us to the edge of what is intolerable to face in our world and then brought us back to inspiration," "I could have listened to her all night." "She created such vivid images, I will never forget them." Monza, I think I speak with others in saying that we are encouraging you not to wait years again before your next reading! We want them often!!

About Monza Naff: http://www.pndc.com/trainers/monza.php
Monza's Class Schedule: http://www.pndc.com/classSchedule.php#monza
Monza's new tapes and CD's are available at: http://www.pndc.com/booktape/index.php#monza

Vicki's website: http://www.wayofjoy.com

Website Highlights

Each month I want to highlight parts of my website so people can experience some of the things about it that mean a lot to me. In other words, I want a chance to direct you to where I'd love for you to go!

Stories:

This month I want to highlight "Stories." I have added stories about children, individuals, couples, professionals, and community to the website. I love these stories and believe they show, better than I can ever tell you, what it means to use non-defensive communication -its power and its way of deepening connection.

Book: Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful, Non-defensive Communication

As many of you know, my book has come out in paperback with a new title that feels like just the right presentation or "face" for my work. What I want to highlight is a new introduction, which tells the story of how I developed this communication process starting with observations I made as a small child. The Link will take you to the book and then you can click on the Pdf. That says "Introduction" and read it right on the website.

Book: http://www.pndc.com/booktape/index.php

Book on Tape: I'm also thrilled to say that my book is now on a set of 12 audiotapes. My single tape, summarizing the book, Taking the War Out of Our Words has been very popular. People tell me they have listened to it till it "wears out" and then buy another. Now, for the first time, You can have the entire book on tape, hear the stories. You can review the defensive modes, or how we ask questions in a way that causes others to close down, or how we express out opinions so that others resist listening. You can listen to the chapter on how to ask a non-defensive question, or the one on how to ask more than a dozen types of questions. You can listen to all the step in creating clear, firm boundaries. And, at the same time, as you listen to the stories, you'll hear the non-defensive tone modeled in the question asking and limit setting, and the heartfelt expression of ones own beliefs and feelings.

Book on Tape: http://www.pndc.com/booktape/index.php

PNDC Tips

Practice Session Summary and Tips: Using Non-Defensive Internal Dialogues to Eliminate Old Self-Defeating Scripts (Previous practice session)

". . . Most of us spend as much time conversing in our own heads as we do talking to other people!"

I loved this practice session. Even though I teach the material, I find the practice sessions bring my focus to a certain area which then stays in my mind and reinforces my efforts in that area. This time we talked about how much our own internal dialogue is still caught up in the war model.

We most often refer to conversation as an external thing, something we do with others. But most of us spend as much time conversing in our own heads as we do talking to other people! We tell others what we think of them, argue. Many of us, both men and women, spend more time than we'd like to admit both criticizing and defending ourselves!

For some of us, it is all in our own voice inside our head; for others, who have the creative capacity to "hear" the voice of parent, partner, daughter, son, friend, or enemy, the conversation may go on in a variety of "voices." This becomes self-defeating because whenever we are in power struggle, we are stuck. That's why these internal conversations can go in endless circles.

In this practice session we discussed all the different forms of internal power struggle we get into, how to shift to non-defensive conversations within ourselves. Essentially, we do just as we would in any non-defensive conversation, where we ask questions to understand better, make clear statements, and set boundaries. Simple, but powerful.

Tips from a Workshop Example:
A person who has a very critical inner voice.

Sample Questions: Do I think I have a choice about listening, or do I feel helpless? How much power am I choosing to give this critic? Do I have any opinion about myself that differs from the critic? What power would the critic have if I didn't answer her/him?

Or: We can ask questions directed to the critic, such as: What is your goal when you talk to me? Do you want to tear me down, or help me get stronger? Are you willing to be less critical?

There are, as we discovered, a wealth of such questions that can free the person to begin to have more choice in how to respond.

Sample Statements: I would like to listen to anything you have to say that will help me become stronger. At the same time, I don't want to listen or even defend myself when you tear me down. I'm going to work not to answer you when you are harsh, even if I don't always succeed. I'd rather be friends with you than enemies.

Sample Predictions: If you criticize me harshly, then I will . . . (read a book, meditate, light a candle, take a walk, not answer, refuse to defend myself . . .) If you give me feedback in a way that helps me feel stronger, then I'd love to listen to you.

Of course this conversation may not stop the critic right away, but people have reported that it stopped the voice(s) from having so much impact, so they (the people) had power to make real change.

This process can be used to alter any habit or build
confidence in any personal or professional situation.

For Parents of Young Children:
Setting Limits Without Being Rejecting

"He had used fear of abandonment as the basis of his limit- setting, fluctuating between rejecting and reassuring the child. Many of us . . . do more subtle forms of it ourselves."

While walking down the street, I heard/saw a father saying to his tiny daughter, "Come on now, we have to get in the car and go. " The child, playing, ran away. Well, playing and disobeying. The father said, "OK, I'm going to leave without you!" The child began to cry immediately, and then the father reassured her, saying, "No, honey, I won't leave you." But she was frightened and couldn't stop crying. He had used fear of abandonment as the basis of his limit setting, fluctuating between rejecting and reassuring the child. (We looked at the Dangers of Reassurance in a recent practice session which will be covered in the next Ezine.)

Many of us would clearly disagree with that father's behavior without realizing that we do more subtle forms of it ourselves. Any time we set boundaries with children with a need to control which choice the child makes, we are likely to communicate rejecting energy if they make the choice we don't want them to make. This happens even if we are ever-so-sweetly trying to coax a child into doing what we want. Subtle . . . but the child will know it.

When setting limits, you can have a little conversation with Yourself: "Am I feeling a need to control which choice my child makes? Will I be rejecting if my child doesn't chose what I want her/him to? Can I set this limit in a neutral to warm way?

We can also help to avoid this trap by setting the kind of boundaries where we can manage easily regardless of which choice the child makes, such as: "If you don't come to the car now, then I'll carry you, and If you do come now, you can walk over here yourself."

Everything I've said for setting limits with
children applies to our adult relationships too!

For Couples:
Having a receptive internal state without fear of being controlled

"We can often be afraid that . . . listening can mean that we risk letting ourselves be controlled."

In traditional communication, we can often be afraid that if we listen to the other person, we might be persuaded to do something we don't want to do. Listening can mean that we risk letting ourselves be controlled! Thus, we often argue back, defend ourselves or withdraw when we disagree with our partner's viewpoint.

In non-defensive communication, we can listen carefully, ask questions, and gain an in-depth understanding of what the other person means. In the process, we also hold the other person more accountable.

To help yourself be less afraid of listening, you can have an internal dialogue: What is it I think I will lose if I listen before responding? What would stop me from listening and then still stating my own position clearly? Am I moving into a defensive position? Do I care more about winning right now than about resolving this conflict? Am I caught in power struggle? What do I need to do to get out of my own part of the power struggle? Am I willing to be out of the power struggle even if he/she stays in it? What will I gain by staying in the struggle? What will I gain by getting out of it?

All of these questions can help you loosen yourself from the grasp of defensive struggle. When we are defensive the neurons in our brain fire to an older, less rational region. Have you noticed the kind of outrageous things people can say when they are defensive? Well, once you're "out" of the grip of defensive thinking/acting, your own clarity will increase greatly, and your partner may disarm and join you in seeking genuine understanding.

When you remain non-defensive, you can listen without fear of being controlled because you can state your feelings, beliefs and reasoning clearly and set whatever boundaries you need. It is a myth, I believe, that we need defensiveness as our primary protection. (Of course, I still make that choice sometimes, when I can't figure out what else to do, am tired, or too frustrated!)

For Professionals:
Regaining your power when you feel intimidated

"We betray ourselves any time we see ourselves through the eyes of another person who is critical"

Surrender-Betray is one of the defensive modes (see book). We betray ourselves any time we see ourselves through the eyes of another person who is critical or judgmental toward us. We might anticipate someone's judgment of us for any number of the standard reasons, such as race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, weight, dress, personality or even a past conflict.

Ask yourself the question: "If I walk into a meeting where I expect someone to judge me or have a disrespectful view of me, whose image do I have in my mind at that moment? The other person's view of me, or my own view of myself? Many people report that they are focused on the other person's view of them, which undermines their confidence. A powerful form of inner dialogue in these situations is to ask a slightly different version of that question: "Do I want to focus on her/his view of me, or keep my own view of myself strong in my mind? Or, "Do I want to focus on my own values or let myself feel diminished by hers/his? Shifting internally to our own view of ourselves (or the view that someone who loves us has) instead of that of a critical co-worker or supervisor can give you an instant booster shot of confidence. The questions must be asked thoughtfully, without trying to convince yourself, looking for the true answer.

Closing Thoughts

Power Struggle - The Epidemic Virus: Power struggle permeates every relationship we have, even the one we have with ourselves. Like quicksand, it sucks us down and holds us tightly. We then are stuck in stagnation, helplessness, conflict, and stubbornness, often feeling victimized and/or self-juding all the while. When we become alienated in any way from ourselves, it affects our relationships with family, co-workers, and others in our community. Changing how we talk to ourselves can move us out of the bog. As we have more healing internal dialogues, it can give us insights and strength that guide us in creating stronger, healthier relationships with others.

If you already have the book, both the Introduction, Chapter One, and the Conclusion talk about the effect power struggle has on us. If you don't have the book you can read the introduction on the website at: http://www.pndc.com/booktape/index.php#sh1

I hope you have gained insights from this Ezine that help you strengthen your ability to interact with yourself with honesty, wisdom, competence, and compassion-and that others in your life benefit from it.

With Care, Sharon

--- Sharon Ellison Author of: Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication Ellison Communication Consultants 4100-10 Redwood Road, No. 316 Oakland, CA 94619 Phone: (510) 655-8086 Phone: (800) 714-7334 Fax: 510-655-8082 email: sharon@pndc.com Web: http://www.pndc.com

Copyright © 2002, Sharon Ellison

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