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The PNDC EzineBe Non-Defensive
- Be Strong Issue No. 2- Responding To Criticism Non-DefensivelyA Question to Ponder: In what ways do we risk creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when we respond defensively to criticism? ~Workshops & Other Events NewsNotes: PNDC expanding New Learning Materials: The Book on Tape is done! Get a free book when you buy it—and more ways to learn! Website: Exercises on Defensive and Non-Defensive Attitudes & New Learning Experiences Community Networking: WOVA:
Women of Vision and Action ~PNDC Tips . . . Responding to Criticism Non-Defensively For all of us: Conversation Can Have Different Rules than War For Parents: Responding Effectively
When Your Child Criticizes You For Professionals: Instead of "Passing
the Blame," Enhance Others' Respect for How You Respond to Criticism
Creating Peace is Not Separate from How We Create Happiness and Joy: Amazing Grace, a true story, by Jane Bell
The Content ~Workshops & Other Events . . .
March 2003: Booksignings—including a reading and mini-workshop: I hope you'll tell others! Gateways Books and Gifts—Santa Cruz —Thursday, March 6 at 7:00 p.m. Boadecia's Books—Kensington —Friday,
March 14 at 7:30 p.m. Thanks for having me again! Tele-Seminar: How to Stop Reacting Defensively to Criticism from Others—Real or Perceived —Tuesday, March 11— $25 Sunday Afternoon
Workshop: Diablo Peace Center: Short Basic PNDC Workshop with a focus
on peace issues —Sunday, March 16, from
3-6 p.m. —$25 Weeknight Practice Session: Show Vulnerability and Tap into Your Source of Power —Tuesday, March 18— $60 PNDC and The Way of Joy: A Meeting of Two Paths to Empowerment April 2003: Tele-Seminar: Show Vulnerability and Tap into Your Source of Power —Thursday, April 10— $25 Weeknight Practice Session: Being Honest Without Being Judgmental —Monday, April 14— $60 Weekend Workshop: PNDC Level II: Making Predictions that Create Security, Respect, and Reciprocity —April 4-6 Friday night, 6:30-9:30, Saturday, 10-5, & Sunday 10-2; $240 (almost full) Weekend Workshop:
PNDC Level I: Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication
—April 18-20— Friday night, 6:30-9:30, Saturday, 10-5, &
Sunday 10-2; $240 May-June 2003: Week-Long Trainers' Training Retreat: Trainers' Training in the Santa Cruz Mountains —May 26-June 2— If you are interested in attending, please contact me as soon as possible to apply My First Column: I have been asked to do a monthy column in Energy Medicine Magazine, an award winning internet magazine published in Ontario, Canada. When the producer of the magazine, Wanda Bowring, decided to name my column "Make Love Not War" I almost had a heart attack. I considered not doing the column, but she sent me a beautiful, very non-defensive email explaining her marketing techniques, at which she is extremely successful, so I decided to go for it. But I still can't think of myself writing a column with that title without laughing in embarrassment! This Month's column is titled A New Kind of Resolution. To read it you can click on "Current Issue" on the home page and scroll down to Make Love Not War: Letting go of defensiveness is a powerful tool for changing the habits that affect our health. Here's the direct link: http://www.energymedicineonline.com/current%20issue/c-lovenotwar.htm Booksignings: I just did a booksigning at Pegasus and they said that the only person who had sold more books than I did at one of their events was a Pulitzer Prize winning author on the New York Times best seller list. I'd love to keep doing that! Thanks to Pegasus for inviting me. I'll be doing more booksignings and they are on the calendar. As well as reading stories from my book, I always do a mini-workshop. If you'd like a refresher, I'd love to have you come to one. Also, you can bring or send family members, friends, and co-workers and they'll get an overview of what I do, plus skills they can walk away with. T.V. Interview: I was recently interviewed on KRON TV, and my publisher says the response was excellent. I talked about how to interact at family gatherings without getting caught in old patterns. (see "New Learning Materials") Other Events: The Northern California Dispute Resolution Association sponsored an event in San Francisco where I spoke on the topic of how to be engaged in difficult community conversations and speak passionately about our beliefs without becoming adversarial. They closed registration at a full house of 80 people and had to turn more away! Thanks to all of you who keep spreading the word about my work. New Learning Materials: More news about PNDC expanding! I am constantly looking for more and easier ways for people to learn and practice these skills, and I'm extending my efforts rapidly now! (See Website Highlights also) The Book on Tape is done! Get a free book when you buy it. I am so excited I have finally completed my Book on Tape! So many of you have told me you listen to my Basic PNDC 90-minute tape over and over. Now you can listen to any one of 12 different tapes and focus on what you need most at any time. You can pick the tape that has a dozen formats for asking non-defensive questions and hear me model the voice tone. Or, you can listen to the chapter on The Non-Defensive Mind and Heart Set. Or the Conclusion, Peace and Power, about broader societal ramifications for how we use power. People are loving it and I've sold out of them three times already! Right now I'm giving a free book to everyone who buys the Book on Tape. To order go to: http://www.pndc.com/booktape/index.php#sh1 and scroll down past the information about the paperback book. Tele-Seminars—Miss a practice session? Take the Tele-Seminar and/or buy an audio tape of it! I'm excited about beginning to do Tele-Seminars as it gives more opportunity for people anywhere in the world to participate in a workshop with me! These 90-minute Tele-Seminars will also serve to expand the number of people who can get some of the information I offer in my practice sessions—where I focus on applying non-defensive communication to all sorts of issues and topics. People often ask me when I will repeat a practice session they missed, and I don't repeat most of them. But now, if you miss a practice session, the next month I'll do a Tele-Seminar on the same topic. And, I'll tape it, so you can always buy the tape. It makes information from the practice sessions accessible to anyone who wants it! To see a list of previous topics I have covered in practice sessions, go to: http://www.pndc.com/trainings/personal/topics.php#66 Peace at the Table—First Tele-Seminar Tape: Practical skills for interacting non-defensively at family gatherings, such as during holidays. This audio-tape is from the first Tele-Seminar I did. It was great! I presented some tips and then people brought up their own situations and we discussed how to handle them, like a regular workshop, only we were all on the phone together on a bridge line. At the end of the one-hour teleconference I added some extra tips for additional issues that often come up that we didn't have time to cover. After this great experience, I decided to make my Tele-Seminars 90 minutes. A first effort, with a few glitches, so I'm selling it for $10 including shipping and handling! Homepage: I'm enhancing my website as a learning center where you can go regularly and get free information. I've changed the home page so that you can link to my current Ezine, new articles, and other learning materials. The information on the home page will change on a more regular basis. If you have questions about PNDC that you'd like me to answer, send them to me, and I'll respond to as many as possible and print them in the FAQ section of the website. If you have written an internet article about PNDC for any specific audience, let me know and I'll put a link to it on the website. Exercises on Defensive and Non-Defensive Attitudes You can evaluate your own defensive and non-defensive attitudes and/or compare yours to others to enhance your understanding of relationship patterns. I'm highlighting it this time because I think that it is a great time in this New Year to evaluate our weaknesses and strengths. To find them go to the website home page at http://www.pndc.com and then scroll down the purple side-banner till you find Exercises. Community Networking: WOVA: Women of Vision and Action I was a keynote speaker for the WOVA conference recently, an utterly delightful experience. I'd like to share some information about the organization. WOVA is a network of established and emerging women leaders who believe that spirit-based social action can change the world. WOVA is connected to Gathering the Women— a project for inviting a billion women to participate in a global conversation with the goal of creating positive change through collaborative action. ~PNDC Tips . . . Responding to Criticism Non-Defensively For more exposure to this topic see the March Tele-Seminar While I focus the tips on various types of relationships, the points are valid in any relationship. For all of us: Conversation Can Have Different Rules than War. In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survival threatened. Thus, we might chose between surrender, withdrawal, or counterattack. When we feel attacked (criticized or judged) by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind of survival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. But conversation is different than war. When we defend against criticism, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted. While we might need to set some limits if someone is verbally abusive, I think we often ward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that is valid, as well as what is invalid. The person's words may hurt, but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don't agree with. We can just think about it, we don't have to fight it as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon. I watch people's self-esteem increase simply from becoming less defensive in the face of criticism and judgement. Besides, we may find a priceless gem in with some junk. The War Model: When someone attacks, you surrender, withdraw, or counterattack For Parents: Responding Effectively when your Child (of any age) Criticizes You As parents, we often love our children so much and simultaneously feel inadequate to meet all their needs. They sense this and can learn early how to make us feel guilty as a way to get what they want. I hear so many children, starting at a young age, speaking in harsh critical tones to their parents. Ginny may simply say "You know I hate peas!" George might shout "You never want to let me do anything with my friends!" The judgment might be more deeply critical of your choices, such as, "You made dad leave! You should tell him you're sorry so he'll come back." When we respond to our child or teen or even our adult child's criticism, if guilt has a hold on us, we may "take it," and even apologize, or try to explain ourselves so he or she understands why we behaved in a certain way. If we are over our own edges, we may lash back. What I think we can do instead is to separate the tone of the judgment from the content of what is being said. We can say to Ginny, "If you don't want peas, I still want you to tell me gently." Or, "If you speak to me harshly, then I'm not going to answer. If you speak respectfully, I'll talk to you about this." Then, if that child, teen or adult offspring does talk without harsh judgment, we can, if it is appropriate, offer to discuss the situation. In this way, we can not only refuse to cave in to undue criticism, we can model for our children how to (a) talk about what they need and feel without being judgemental, and (b) respond with a blend of firmness and openness even when someone speaks harshly to us or them. For Couples: Avoid the the "Pay-Back" When One of You "Gets Critical" When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a "ledger of offenses" that we have accumulated with each other. And what I do that offends you often prompts the reaction in you that offends me. So when you criticize me, your partner, it reminds me of what you do that "makes" me react that way. And so the counterattack game begins. "Well, I wouldn't have to react this way if you didn't always . . ." Or, "Look at you criticizing me for having a double standard. Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?!" Instead, if we listen to the feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not, then we don't have to retaliate immediately and intensify the conflict. Later, during the same conversation, or perhaps even at another time, we can ask the other person (if we are sincerely curious and not point-proving) "Do you think your sarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted?" Or, "Do you think you ever (for example) have double standards—or do you think you don't?" We can bring up related issues, if we create a transition period and deal first with the one our partner brought up. To remain non-defensive, we must separate how we take accountability ourselves from whether or not the other person choses to do so at any given moment. When we need to prove our partner is as "bad as we are" or worse, we are neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address the issue the other person has brought up trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing so can give both partners a "hearing aid." For Professionals: Instead of "Passing the Blame," Enhance Others' Respect for How You Respond to Criticism In professional relationships how we get our own work done is often dependent on how well other people do their jobs. So, frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to "pass the buck" and justify why we had difficulty with our part based on how others contributed to that difficulty. Instead of starting out by shifting blame or making excuses, even if we think the problem was caused by a co-worker, we can ask questions, such as, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or, "Were you aware that I had to get the materials from Jane before I could finish the project?" Or, "If she doesn't have her part of the project to me on time, how would you suggest I deal with it?" If the feedback is about your own performance and not related to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can just start by asking for more information. You can ask for additional details about how the supervisor or co-worker sees your attitude and behavior. Then, if there are points where you disagree, you can still use questions, such as, "If you think I shouldn't have criticized the quality of George's work on the project, are you saying I should just accept however he does it?" Or, "Are you saying I should just accept how he did it, or do you think it was how I said it?" Or, "Do you think there is any way I can let him know when I think the quality needs improvement?" At some point you may wish to disagree with part or all of what the person is saying. However, if your initial response to criticism is to gather more information, I think you will gain professional respect. Also, if the other person is off-base, your questions may prompt her or him to re-think the criticism. Closing Thoughts: Creating Peace
is Not Separate from How We Create Happiness and Joy "For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change." —Audre Lorde, from Sister Outsider We are confronted with the increasing threats of terrorist attack and our own government's move toward all-out war. People talk about how our lives will never be the same and fight over what action to take. Recently in the San Francisco Bay Area, people in a meeting of several peace groups became so angry at each other that they were not only arguing, but shouting. My hope is that we will strengthen our resolve to live by Audre Lorde's words and know that we cannot institute "genuine change" by using old methods of angry argument. We must use a new language, one that moves beyond defense and blame, one that allows us to listen better even in situations where people have intensely polarized viewpoints, if we are to create a more peaceful world. To do that, I believe we must remember that the power of compassion is the core of wisdom. Creating peace is not separate from how we create happiness and joy. It is more dependent on how we relate to each other than to what we have or how secure our lives ultimately are. I find this to be true as I work toward global change and as I remember each day to reduce my own fear-based anger and act on the positive power of love. Then, instead of losing heart, I think we can create healing bonds even in a world where hatred gets more attention and violence is the only solution some can see. — The
power of compassion is the core of wisdom —
I want to share part of a story by Jane Bell, about her visit with Grace Mashaba, a woman in Africa who, with little or no personal income, houses, feeds, and clothes 70 children. I share this story because I found it inspiring and strengthening in remembering how to focus on living fully regardless of threats to our security. Amazing Grace by Jane Bell Grace Mashaba had not been able to go to the sea until this year when her Peace Corps volunteer, Kevin, sent her on a vacation. It wasn’t because Grace could not get to the sea. It was because she was a black woman in South Africa at the time of Apartheid and the beaches were only for white people. She said that as she sat at the sea, she felt like a dog who had been chained to a tree for its whole life, and when the chain had been removed, it still sat by the tree. She cried for several days, she said, and her greatest hope was to have her four adopted children visit the sea before they were old. At Amazing Grace, her center, Mashaba houses, feeds, and clothes 70 children who have been abandoned because of abuse, neglect and AIDS. What struck me as I got out of the car to greet Grace was the warmth and joy that permeated every pore of her being. She was laughter that bubbles up because it can’t help it. The focus of her work is even more understandable when one knows that Grace had lost her own mother when she was four. At 10, she had to leave school and work on a farm. For most of those years Grace was sexually abused by the Afrikaans farmer. At 14, pregnant, she was forced to have an abortion and be sterilized against her will. The sexual abuse continued, but finally Grace ran away. After she ran away from home, Grace joined the ANC as a fighter for the freedom of her people. She was exiled in Angola for many years where she went through a transformation because of the kindness of those she met. They educated her and taught her about forgiveness and love. It was that opening of her heart that brought Grace back to South Africa during those Apartheid years where she lived on the streets and began to take care of children. That afternoon we spent at Amazing Grace was filled with song. After arriving, we walked out into the courtyard, and there Grace had all the children staged in a choral grouping while they sang with joy and pride. We were the fortunate ambassadors for Seeds of Light, our group that supports AIDS orphans. Our tour of the grounds began with the dorm rooms of the children. The girls and boys sleep separately in crowded rooms filled with bunk beds. The boys sleep in a very crowded tin room that heats up to 105 degrees in the summer months. That tin room would be considered cruel and unusual punishment in our penal system. It has been two days since we visited Amazing Grace, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Grace and the whole experience. What struck me is how much these children had without a materially comfortable life. As we sat having tea, we heard the sound of the children playing, joyful laughter, balls moving across the ground, hands clapping in rhythm. Kevin shared with us how naturally generous they are with each other.
One day Thabo’s [one of Grace’s adopted children, supported
by Jane and Gary Bell] friend had finished lunch and was still hungry,
so Thabo took a handful of what he had and put it on his plate. While
each child has only one or two shirts, if one of the others wanted to
wear theirs, it was handed over without a thought. While it is clear that Grace is bursting with children and not enough beds, she can’t turn any child away. She tells me "When you think you can’t do one more thing, you find a way to do it anyway. It’s all about love." Sometimes the amount of violence and horror in the world leaves me in despair. At the same time, I get tired of hearing the "real world" described only as a harsh, cruel one. The experiences we create with gifts of caring and love are just as real, and continue, in every community in the world, even in the face of overwhelming odds. Acting from power that is based in love is what I want to aspire to, in language and in deed, no matter what the threat. With Care,Sharon
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