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The PNDC Ezine

Be Non-Defensive - Be Strong
Volume 1, Issue 3
By Sharon Ellison, Author of:
Taking the War Out of Our Words:
The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Issue No. 3- Showing Vulnerability is a Source of Power

Table of Contents

~PNDC Tips. . . Showing Vulnerability is a Source of Power

Dear Folks: For most people a tip is a sentence or two. For me, it is three or four. Paragraphs! I want you to have enough context to be able to put the "tip" into action successfully. I did highlight a sentence or two for each tip. If you want the short-short version, you can just scan, or, you can read the tip that applies to you most. You can also save the Ezines in a file (or even just the tips) and when you're having a problem at work or home, you can review them.

For All of Us: We Can't Be Fully Honest Without Showing Vulnerability

For Parents: Showing Vulnerability Without Using it to Manipulate Our Children

For Couples: Showing Vulnerability Gives us the Power to Build Trust

For Professionals: Showing Vulnerability Can Equal Being Heard — Up and Down the Hierarchy

Highlights:

Community Networking: Bett Martinez at The Wellbeing Community: The Guru of Insurance

Website Article by Sharon: A Challenge and a Gift for Mothers—
Understanding and rejoicing in the Full Giver-Receiver Nurturing Cycle

Written for Mother's Day, this article is also for fathers, sons, daughters—all of us.

Newsnotes: PNDC expanding—Volunteers Wanted, Radio Pilot . . .

Sharon's Closing Thoughts

An Essay based on Sharon's Closing Thoughts: How Do You Become My Enemy?

PNDC Tips: Showing Vulnerability As a Source of Power

A note from Sharon: I have noticed that by putting the tip for all of us first, for parents second, for couples, third, and for professionals last, the information seems to build in an order that is progressive. Therefore, I recommend reading all of the sections, even those that don't apply directly to you. The information in each section can also be generalized to the other topics.

For All of Us: We Can't Be Fully Honest Without Showing Vulnerability

The message that exposing our vulnerability when under attack shows weakness and puts us in danger is part of the atmosphere we are born into, the air we breathe. Most of us, no matter how dedicated we are to communicating openly, would automatically be inclined to show our vulnerability at the very moment that someone is intentionally putting us down or embarrassing us in front of others. We show our vulnerability when we feel safe, usually not when under attack unless we are "breaking down" or "giving in."

I don't think we can tap into our full strength until see vulnerability as power, rather than weakness, even in face of someone who wants to hurt us, personally or professionally. Two reasons stand out in my mind. The first is that it is not possible to be fully honest without showing vulnerability. I am hiding part of what I think and feel and it inhibits me from giving accurate feedback to you. If I don't want you to know that you hurt me, how can I communicate with any accuracy about what is happening between us? Second, when I feel vulnerable and try to speak without showing it, I may filibuster, show bravado, act arrogant, prompting you to shut me out or to try harder to bring me down.

When I integrate vulnerability and honesty, the softness of my vulnerability melded with the directness of my honesty, moves me out of all defensive posturing. You, the other person, now have more capacity to empathize with me and examine your own behavior. Even if you chose not to, anyone who witnesses the interaction is more likely to see genuineness and wisdom in me. And having spoken from a place of integrity—integration, I can walk away with more strength irregardless of how you respond.

For Parents: Showing Vulnerability Without Using it to Manipulate Our Children

Every time Hana picked up her daughter, Lindy, at day-care, Lindy would fuss and cry and say she didn't want to leave. Hana was embarrassed in front of the teacher and other parents, so she just coaxed Lindy, saying, "Come on, honey, we're going to have fun too," offering enticing things like going to the park or visiting another friend. Sometimes once they were in the car, she got angry at Lindy. Never did she show her own, tender, hurt feelings. As parents, we often hide our vulnerability from our children, because we want to be strong, keep our children feeling safe.

On the other hand, when, as parents, we do show our vulnerable feelings, we often do it to try to manipulate the child into doing what we want without setting effective limits. For example, Hana might have said, "Lindy, honey, please don't cry when I come, you make me feel bad. You don't want other people to think I'm a bad parent, do you?" Here, the vulnerability will still be invisible, overshadowed by the manipulation. Lindy will learn that when people do share their feelings, she is being controlled.

While I think we have to decide which of our vulnerable feelings are appropriate to share with a child, we can often share more of them than we think, even with very young children, to a greater degree than we think. As she worked on resolving this issue with greater clarity, Hana said to Lindy in the car one day:

"When I come to get you, I want to just be excited to see you, but I'm always afraid you will fuss and cry, so I get nervous about coming. When you do get upset, then I mixed up between being sad and angry at you all at once. And I feel embarrassed because I worry that the other kids and the grown-ups might be thinking I'm not a good parent."

In the same way I can express my vulnerability to my teenager, perhaps saying, "When you won't talk to me I get terrified that I'll lose control over what is happening to you. I feel helpless and don't know what to do so I often try to force you to talk." With Lindy or my teenager, it is vital that once I express my feelings, I don't continue to hit them over the head with them.

If Hana still in a tantrum, then it would be time for limit setting, not reminders of how bad she is making mommy feel! In this case, when Hana stated her feelings openly, without trying to convince Lindy to change her behavior, she said that Lindy looked at her with wide eyes, as if receiving a revelation, and said spontaneously, "I'm sorry mommy, I like to be with you too. I just don't like to leave my friends." The next time Hana came to pick her up, Lindy said, "Hi mommy, can you wait just minute while I say goodbye to my friends?"

When a parent shares vulnerable feelings openly, without any attempt to control or manipulate, even little children can instantly deepen their understanding and maturity.

For Couples: Showing Vulnerability Gives us the Power to Build Trust

In the traditional thinking about vulnerability, we only show it when we feel safe, when we can really trust the other person. Ideally, intimate relationships are built on such trust. However, in reality, even differences in personality can make it hard for us to understand the other person's reactions. My way of being honest may make you think I am harsh and your indirectness may make me think you are dishonest. In each case, we will feel less cared about, and trust will be damaged.

So what happens next? Well, by the old logic, if I can't trust you, I can't be fully open. So the next time we are in conflict, I close down a little more, and hide my vulnerability. It also spreads like mold, so if my trust is broken in one area, I begin to doubt you in others. If you are indirect, because you don't want to hurt me, or are afraid of my reactions, instead of making it easier for you to open up, I start accusing you of wanting to deceive or manipulate me. If I am blunt in my honesty, you start accusing me of wanting to dominate you or tear down your self-esteem. And of course, many relationships have incidents that are severely threatening to trust, such as: you having more loyalty to your family of origin than to me, your partner; one of us being attracted to someone else; differences in child rearing habits; issues around alcohol or drugs, and/or breaking confidences. Every relationship has breakdowns in trust. If we stop showing our vulnerability when our trust feels damaged, then it will be a given that we become increasingly guarded and walled off from each other.

As we increasingly hide our vulnerability, we begin an isolating spiral, leading to alienation.

To break the cycle, I have to be willing to show my vulnerability even when I think you're intentionally wanting to hurt me. I can ask you directly, gently, "Are you wanting to hurt me? If so, you are succeeding." And I can tell you about my hurt openly whether I trust that you will care or not. One person who reported asking this question said that the response was, "Yes!! Just as much as you are hurting me!" Although one of them initiated showing the pain, the other, responding first in anger, also admitted wanting to create hurt because feeling hurt. If I reacted defensively to this admission, I might retort, "What do you mean 'as much as I've hurt you?!' It's you who is hurting me." This is one of the places where couples can compete over who is the perpetrator and who is the victim.

To build trust effectively, it is vital not to slip from openness into defensiveness at any point. In conversation, unlike war, we can be open, show our vulnerability, and still set limits when we need to. In this case, each of these two people became able to each talk about their pain, which enabled them to look more closely at the ways they were interacting that created it.

Our power to build trust is fueled by our ability to express ourselves openly even when trust is damaged.

For Professionals: Showing Vulnerability Can Equal Being Heard — Up and Down the Hierarchy

One of the issues I often hear about in the workplace is people expressing how hard it is to give feedback to employees they supervise and/or their own supervisors. I think that most of us have not resolved the authority issues we had with our own parents so being supervised and/or being the supervisor brings up old issues and patterns from our childhood. It's hard enough resolving conflict in any situation, and issues around the power of authority are one kind of intense complicating factor.

In an interaction with a supervisor, as an employee, I may not want to say truthfully what I am feeling, because it could make the supervisor angry and he/she might retaliate. I might not get my raise, or a promotion. I might even get fired. If I am the supervisor, I might hesitate to give truthful feedback for countless reasons. I don't like conflict any more than my employee does, I am afraid he/she will get defensive. I don't want to say something that will cause wider ripples, such as the employee going to HR or a union representative.

Hierarchical relationships often intensify people's unwillingness to show vulnerability

I believe the same principles that apply to family relationships apply to professional relationships. When people don't show their vulnerability, they damage trust and become alienated. In hierarchical work relationships, the damage that comes from hiding vulnerability means that people will not be able to give each other feedback effectively. Not giving and receiving feedback effectively and efficiently damages people's ability to function with increasing competence, be happy in their work, and feel a sense of community.

A few simple words, expressing softer feelings of vulnerability when giving feedback can make all the difference. In one case, Bill, the supervisor, had been having a great deal of difficulty giving feedback to Gary, one of his employees. Gary seemed to always respond defensively, justifying his behavior and arguing. This made Bill get more tense each time, and the harder Bill tried to establish his authority with subtle admonitions or more direct threats, the more Gary resisted.

As Bill worked to develop his management skills, he decided to try something new. He told Gary, "I am always nervous when I need to give you feedback about how you are doing your job because I anticipate you will hear it as critical and off base. Whenever you don't agree with what I say, I try to prove my authority by getting more directive. While my job does require that I give direction and feedback, I want to do my part better. I'd like it if we could both walk away from a conversation feeling respect for each other."

Gary didn't say too much at first, just, "O.K. Thanks." Bill said he felt much clearer and less triggered the next time he talked to Gary, and Gary listened better, argued less. Starting the moment Gary shared some of his own vulnerability their relationship took a gradual uphill path. An employee can also approach giving a supervisor feedback by starting with her/his need to talk about something and fear of doing so. Supervisors also often feel less criticized about their own competence when they see an employee's vulnerability.

What we say may be a paragraph or even a single sentence. One time Sally told Anna, an employee she supervised, "This is hard for me" while she was giving her some feedback. Anna told Sally, "I felt different the minute you told me it was hard for you. I felt less criticized and more supported. I was able to hear what you said so much easier."

Showing vulnerability can have the power to dissolve barriers in hierarchical relationships

Highlights:

Community Networking:

Bett Martinez at The Wellbeing Community — Phone: 510-526-0312 email: wellbeing@pacbell.net

Insurance these days can be a nightmare! Thanks to Bett, we have made our way through the maze. What a relief! Anita Gold aptly dubs her "the guru of insurance." She can handle any insurance problem, and her greatest love is helping you with your long-term health care plans! She is fabulous. Thanks, Bett!

Article, by Sharon, from her column in Energy Medicine Magazine:

A Challenge and a Gift for Mothers—Understanding and rejoicing in the Full Giver-Receiver Nurturing Cycle

In my work with "blueprints" I often show how we fail to have fulfilling experiences because we aren't putting the right ingredients together to get the balance we need. We have too much of one thing and not enough of the other so the flavor of the experience gets wrecked. In this article, I show how we cannot nurture others effectively, or be appreciated, unless we know how to balance giving with receiving. I really outline the steps required for the experience of nurturing to be experienced by both people. This article is written for mothers, but is really for all of us!

The link for Energy Medicine Magazine: http://energymedicineonline.com

Newsnotes: PNDC expanding:

Volunteers Wanted:

I am continuing to seek greater exposure for the Powerful Non-Defensive Communication Process I have developed. The urgency I feel in wanting the world to shift away from using a communication paradigm that is based on defensiveness and addictive power struggles is ever more imperative. I have been encouraged by others to ask for volunteers to help with various tasks so that (1) I can spend more of my energy writing and speaking, and (2) have the help I need to get information out on a wider scale.

If you are interested in volunteering, there are a range of options: filing and putting names on the database, making phone calls, helping to sell books when I speak, sending out articles to magazines, or whatever creative effort we can concoct together to spread the word faster. If you are interested, please email me at sharon@pndc.com with your ideas.

Tax Deductible Donations: I am now authorized to receive donations through a non-profit account. If you would like to, you can make donations for scholarships and/or the PNDC development projects such as books, tapes, and videos. You can email me at sharon@pndc.com for more information or send a check made out to PNDC Projects to 1300-10 Redwood Road, # 316, Oakland, CA 94619.

Radio Pilot: I've been asked to be the communication expert for a pilot for a radio show

Jim Decker, is producing a radio pilot, This Week at Work, focused on workplace communication issues. He and his partner, Vicki Kaplan, have done a fabulous job! The pilot focuses on supervision. They have interviewed "people on the street" about what they think makes people "good" or "bad" supervisors. Then they interviewed two people who had successfully communicated with their own supervisors about problems they saw in the person's supervision style.

They asked me to be the communication expert for the pilot. I was interviewed by James Hatori, a local news reporter who is a former CNN correspondent. I commented on the other interviews and answered questions James asked me. It was great fun, and after the interview Jim decided he might make the pilot an hour instead of a half-hour. I'm very impressed with the quality of the work they have all done. Thanks so much, Jim, Vicki, and James, for the great interview.

Sharon's Closing Thoughts:

When we become alienated and untrusting we often act as "enemies." We hide our vulnerability and lose our compassion. The spiral of emotional and even physical violence can then spin out of control, like a hurricane, unchecked. Sometimes the hurricane remains inside each person, sometimes it spills out, creating open warfare, with innocent bystanders becoming victims, at home, at work, among nations.

How Do You Become My Enemy?
By Sharon Ellison

Laundry hanging in the late afternoon sunlight:
the white sheet of the woman who is my enemy.
—Yehuda Amichai, "Jerusalem" in This Same Sky, ed. Naomi Shihab Nye, 1992

How do you become my enemy? Is it because you hurt me? Some pain from which I cannot recover, like an old piece of shrapnel lodged in my brain, which will ache until I die, sending out sporadic shooting pains?

Do you become an enemy in a single moment, or over time? Either, I suspect. But even if I watch you move gradually toward enemy status, there must be a sudden culminating moment. Like when a white Rorschach splash of bird squat hit my car window while I was driving south on a curve at Big Sur, with a thousand feet of green sliding down to the ocean on my right.

Does it mean you wish me harm and I wish you harm? Do you wish harm on me while I sing a lullaby to my child at dusk? Do I wish it on you while you reach toward the sky to hang your white sheets?

What does it mean to be an enemy? Does it mean to hurt the other person as much, or more, than he or she hurt me? Like my friend's mother, who, when abandoned by her lover, broke all of his pottery, destroyed his art in exchange for her wounded heart. Is it a calculated decision to retaliate, to punish? Or driven by the rawness of my own wound, do I simply roar and strike?

What if your cruelty to me, the urge that drove the knife of your attack, was not held by a hand that felt simple power and pleasure in the act? What if the propelling force was the pain in your own heart? Would you still be my enemy?

Likewise, does that pain, that hurt you imposed on me have to have been intentional, calculated, cruel, in order for you to become my enemy? Or could it be accidental? Like the mother who screamed at the man whose car spun out and crashed, killing her daughter, "You killed her! You murdered her!" Maybe when we see the other as sufficiently irresponsible we can make that person into an enemy as surely as if his behavior was calculated.

Can you still be my enemy if we parted ways and have taken separate paths? Perhaps I have forgotten to forgive; re-living the hurt, locked in the past, failing to live my life now. Is hatred, past or present, the emotional impetus for seeing the other as enemy? Like when the storekeeper in Tony Morrison’s The Bluest Eye looks at the Pecola, with such hatred lodged in his eyelids. Does the man see the child as his enemy?

I wonder how many soldiers can kill without being fueled by images that inspire hatred; or whether it’s possible to hate your sister without seeing her as an enemy. It seems likely to me that hatred and the vision of the other as enemy seem to go hand in hand.

Is the storekeeper then, automatically Pecola’s enemy? Not yet, anyway. For now, she only knows that as she leaves the store, the inexplicable shame she felt when he looked at her begins to disappear.
So I can be your enemy even if you aren’t mine.

Or you might see me as an enemy even when I am your friend. King Lear saw the daughter who loved him most as his enemy because he mistook her honesty for disloyalty.

Conversely, I have heard certain Christians say they love gay people, but that the lifestyle is a sin and a threat to children. Thus, you might try to pass laws that take away my freedom, treating me as an enemy while saying you care about my well being.

When we both recognize each other as the enemy, does it mean that we have an agreement to hurt each other as much as we can? I think so. Sometimes it seems like a competition to see who can win the prize for doing the most damage. What would we call this prize? What does the winner get?

It seems to me that naming the other as "enemy" has a power that does somehow go beyond even hatred. If I can make your accidental behavior into irresponsibility, then I treat like you as an enemy. But when I actually name you as the enemy, then I perceive you as destructive and calculated. I add in evil and I defrock you of all humanity. You cease to be mother or son, you become evil embodied. And if I do not see myself as evil, then I must protect myself from being your victim.

I may gather others around me, to help keep me safe. If you have already hurt me, they may bond with my pain, and make themselves your enemy too. As they strike out to protect me, you may gather your protectors around you. Now we have group hatred. Groups of enemies. Friends. Families. Races. Religions. Nations.

I no longer have to know you in order for you to be my enemy; I only have to recognize your status in any group I call enemy. Now I can inherit you as an enemy from my ancestors. The storekeeper, a white man, only had to see Pecola, a black child, for his legacy of hatred to spring into action.

I don’t know how the kind of hatred you and I would have for each other as mutual enemies could ever be anything but progressive. Being bound as enemies is as if you have invaded my body and taken up residence, like a recurring nightmare, tormenting my soul with an exponentially increasing force. Likewise, I have invaded yours. Can I make you into an enemy without becoming evil myself?

Once I am your enemy, will I always be? What would it take for the storekeeper to feel tenderness for Pecola? For you, my enemy, to see me sing a lullaby to my child at dusk and feel my love? For me, as yours, to see you reaching into the blue sky to hang your white sheet and feel your joy?

As individuals, races, and nations, what could bring about a sea change large enough to stop us from being enemies? "How can we?," you may ask. "We have to protect ourselves from those who seek to do us harm." I agree. And I don’t think we have to be an enemy to avoid being the victim. I wonder what kind of new solutions we would we find if we didn’t name the other as evil, as "the enemy." If we didn’t become an enemy.

With Care,
Sharon

Sharon Ellison
Author of: Taking the War Out of Our Words:
The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Ellison Communication Consultants
4100-10 Redwood Road, No. 316
Oakland, CA 94619
Phone: (510) 655-8086
Phone: (800) 714-7334
Fax: 510-655-8082
email: sharon@pndc.com
Web: http://www.pndc.com