	Contents

	List of Charts		x
	Acknowledgments		xi
	Introduction: It’s Just Human Nature—or Is It?		xv

	PART I
	THE WAR MODEL
	A Traditional System for Communicating
1	Defensiveness: The Only Self-protection We Know		7
		Defensive Barriers in War and Conversation 7 De-Facing the Enemy 8 Hiding Information 10 The Making of a Power Struggle 15 Like Flies in a Jar 20 Basic Categories of Defense 21 Defensive Modes as Personality Types 22
2	Surrender		23
		Surrender–Betray: Co-Dependent Personality Type 23 Surrender–Sabotage: Passive-Aggressive Personality Type 27
3	Withdrawal		36
		Withdraw–Escape: Passive Personality Type 36 Withdraw–Entrap: Vindictive Personality Type 42
4	Counterattack		50
		Counterattack–Justify: Defensive Personality Type 50 Counterattack–Blame: Aggressive Personality Type 55
5	5 Common Misuses of Our Basic Communication Tools		60
		Questions: Villains in Disguise 61 Statements: Lords of Truth 67 Predictions: Foretellers of Doom 72 The Current “Real World” 75

	PART II
	THE NON-DEFENSIVE MODEL
	Tools Instead of Weapons
	Introduction to Part II: A New Real World		81
6	The Question: Curiosity Didn’t Kill the Cat—It Won the Peace Prize		83
		Nature: Curious and Innocent 84 Function: Gathering Up Information 87 Effect: Disarming—and More 90 Taking Quantum Leaps 99
7	Formats for Asking Non-Defensive Questions		103
		The Blueprint Hidden in the Words 103 Content Questions: Getting the Story Straight 106 Process Questions: Looking Behind the Scenes 119
8	The Statement: Vulnerability and Power Join Hands		126
		Nature: Open and Direct 127 Function: Laying It All Out on the Table 131 Effect: Courage, Freedom—and More 135
9	Formats for Making Non-Defensive Statements		146
		Interpreting the Overt Message 149 Interpreting the Covert Message 151 Interpreting Cause or Motive 154 Expressing Our Reactions with Integrity and Passion 159 Using the Statement Formats Together 161 The Feedback Loop 163
10	The Prediction: A New Prescription for Security		165
		Nature: Protective and Firm 166 Function: Creating Security through Predictability 170 Effect: Respect, Reciprocity—and More 171
11	Formats for Making Non-Defensive Predictions		186
		Limit-Setting: My Consequences 187 Challenge–Choice: Life’s Consequences 208
12	The Non-Defensive Mind and Heart Set		214
		Preparing to Be Non-Defensive 214 Selecting Practice Methods 228 Accepting Imperfection 233 Communication as a Transfer of Energy 234
13	The Practice of Becoming Non-Defensive		237
		Short Versions of the Non-Defensive Process 237 The Non-Defensive Process in the Context of Various Types of Relationships 240 A World of Opportunities 262
	Conclusion: Peace and Power		264
	Index of Examples		271
	Index of Topics		277

	List of Charts

	Part I: The War Model
	Four Aspects of Defensive Behavior in any Interaction 16 When We Engage in Power Struggles, We . . . 20 Format for Surrender–Betray 27 Formats for Surrender–Sabotage 34 Formats for Withdraw–Escape 41 Formats for Withdraw–Entrap 49 Format for Counterattack–Justify 54 Format for Counterattack–Blame 58 Six Defensive Reactions 59 Defensive Attitudes and Behaviors 61 Voice Tones That Can Make a Question Defensive 64 Body Language That Can Make a Questions Defensive 64 Words That Can Make a Question Defensive 65 Formats for Entrapping Questions 66 Words That Turn Subjective Opinions into Statements of Fact 69 Misuses of Our Three Basic Forms of Communication 76

	Part II: The Non-Defensive Model
	Some Attitudes and Behaviors Fostered by Non-Defensive Communication 82 Content Questions 119 Process Questions 125 Abbreviated Position Statement 162 Statement Format Summary 164 Characteristics of an Effective Prediction 196 Guidelines for Implementing a Predicted Consequence 205 The Tools of Non-Defensive Communication 211 The Effects of Non-Defensive Communication 212 The Eight Formats for Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication 213 The Non-Defensive Predisposition 228 Selecting Ways to Practice 233

Contents

PART I

THE WAR MODEL

A Traditional System for Communicating

PART II

THE NON-DEFENSIVE MODEL

Tools Instead of Weapons

List of Charts

Part I: The War Model

Part II: The Non-Defensive Model