Defensive Exercises


The following exercises can help you understand your own defensive patterns—a vital step in the process of change. There are many possible variations. You may wish to do one set now and others later.

Set One:

 Evaluating your most and least habitual defensive reactions

Set Two:

 Evaluating the range of your alternative defensive choices

Set Three:

 Comparing your defensive strengths and weaknesses when you interact with various people

Set Four:

Comparing your defensive reactions with those of another person, with the person's participation

Set Five:

 Comparing your defensive reactions with those of another person, without that person’s participation

Additional exercises

 

 

You will need one or more of the “Defensive Attitudes and Behaviors sheet” for each exercise you do, so you may want to print out several before you select the exercise(s) you want to do. If you want to go to the Non-Defensive Exercises at any point, click here.

 

Set One:

Evaluating your most and least habitual defensive reactions

• Pick the three characteristics you believe you display the most often and number them in order, scoring the most frequent with +1, the second most frequent with +2, and the third most frequent with +3.
• Pick the three characteristics you believe you display the least often and number them in order, scoring the least frequent with -1, the second least frequent with -2, and the third least frequent with -3.
• Compare your +1 to your –1; your +2 to –2 and your +3 to –3 and see what insights you gain.
   
By making yourself pick your three “favorite” and your three “least favorite” behaviors, you can gain interesting information about yourself.

 

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Set Two:

Evaluating the range of your alternative defensive choices

• If you have already completed the first set of exercises, you can continue numbering other characteristics you display in order of frequency. Start with +4 and number as many as you wish up to + 14.
• After +14, stop and reverse the process. See which defensive characteristics you show the least often after your –3 choice. Starting with –4, number as many of them as you wish up to –14.
• Compare and contrast your various “plus” and “minus” choices to gain further insights about your methods of interaction. You may wish to list them on a separate sheet with +1 to +14 on one side of the “ledger” and –1 to –14 on the other.

Set Three:

Comparing your defensive strengths and weaknesses when you interact with various people

Often, our defensive expression varies with different people. Using the same steps in Set One, evaluate your defensive modes with one or more of the following:

• Your boss or manager, or any person above you in the hierarchy at work
• A co-worker or peer
• Someone you supervise
• Your own intimate partner
• Each of your children
• Various friends
• Your father, mother, or other parent figure
• Anyone else who is significant in your life.

Now, by comparing and contrasting the results, you will gain a more sophisticated awareness of how your defensive interactions vary with different people, and how you express yourself more or less openly with different people.

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Set Four:

Comparing your non-defensive strengths with those of another person, with that person’s participation

• Using blank print-outs, ask anyone you regularly interact with to fill out the form according to the steps in Set One.
• Examine both sets of Step One answers to compare and contrast the defensive choices you each generally make.
• Do Set Three, listing the most specific defensive reactions you each have to each other and compare them gain a better understanding of your relationship.
• You can also compare your reactions in Set One and Three to see if they are the same or different.
• If you wish, as an additional step you can each fill out how you see the other’s strongest and weakest defensive choices in Set One and/or Set Three before comparing each of your sheets. Then you can each discover if your self-evaluation and the other’s evaluation is the same or different.
   
Note: When you do Set Four exercises, I encourage you to avoid any temptation to “prove the other person wrong,” and stay focused on understanding that person’s perceptions and gaining insights about yourself.


Set Five:

Comparing your non-defensive strengths with those of another person, without that person’s participation

If you do not feel comfortable having the other person join you in the exercises, but still want to understand that relationship better, you can fill out forms from your own perspective. Analyze how you see their defensive behaviors and then compare them to your own.

Note: I caution you here, again, to be focused on making the relationship better, not on proving yourself “better” than the other person.

 

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Additional Exercises:


Once you have done one or more sets of exercises, you can begin to think creatively about what your defensive choices mean in your life, such as:

• Whether you gravitate toward aggressive or passive defenses.
• Whether you are aggressive in some environments and passive in others—and if so, what makes the difference.
• Which defensive attitudes and behaviors others express toward you the most.
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What defensive attitudes and behaviors in others “push your buttons” the most.
• How your most common defensive attitudes compare to your most common non-defensive attitudes.


Through this process, we hope you gain new insights that help you eliminate your own defensiveness. We invite you to return to this site as often as you wish to expand on these exercises, and browse for new exercises, stories, articles, and book excerpts.

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