Non-Defensive Exercises

The following exercises can help you understand your own non-defensive strengths—and the areas that need development. The exercises have many possible variations. You may wish to do one set and then others later.

•	Pick the three characteristics you believe you display the most often and number them in order, scoring the most frequent with +1, the second most frequent with +2, and the third most frequent with +3.
•	Pick the three characteristics you believe you display the least often and number them in order, scoring the least frequent with -1, the second least frequent with -2, and the third least frequent with -3.
•	Compare your +1 to your –1; your +2 to –2 and your +3 to –3 and see what insights you gain.
By making yourself pick your three “most comfortable” and your three “least comfortable,” you can gain interesting information about yourself. Note: If you discover that your most comfortable characteristics are all more receptive and your least comfortable characteristics are all more assertive (or vice versa), then you may be “out of balance.” You may be expressing yourself in ways that are more passive or aggressive than you realize.

 

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•	If you have already completed the first set of exercises, you can continue numbering other characteristics you display in order of frequency. Start with +4 and number as many as you wish up to + 13.
•	After +13, stop and reverse the process. See which defensive characteristics you show the least often after your –3 choice. Starting with –4, number as many of them as you wish up to –13.
•	Compare and contrast your various “plus” and “minus” choices to gain further insights about your methods of interaction. You may wish to list them on a separate sheet with +1 to +14 on one side of the “ledger” and –1 to –14 on the other.

Often, our non-defensive expression is different with different people. Using the steps in Exercise One, evaluate your own non-defensive modes with one or more of the following:

• Your boss or manager, or any person above you in the hierarchy at work
• A co-worker or peer
• Someone you supervise
• Your own intimate partner
• Each of your children
• Various friends
• Your father, mother, or other parent figure
• Anyone else who is significant in your life.

Now, by comparing and contrasting the results, you will gain a more sophisticated awareness of how your non-defensive interactions vary with different people, and how you express yourself more or less openly with different people.

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•	Using blank print-outs, ask anyone you regularly interact with to fill out the form according to the steps in Set One.
•	Examine both sets of Step One answers to compare and contrast the non-defensive choices you each generally make.
•	Do Set Three, listing the most specific non-defensive reactions you each have to each other and compare them gain a better understanding of your relationship.
•	You can also compare your reactions in Set One and Three to see if they are the same or different.
•	If you wish, as an additional step you can each fill out how you see the other’s strongest and weakest non-defensive choices in Set One and/or Set Three before comparing each of your sheets. Then you can each discover if your self-evaluation and the other’s evaluation is the same or different.
Note: When you do Set Four exercises, I encourage you to avoid any temptation to “prove the other person wrong,” and stay focused on understanding that person’s perceptions and gaining insights about yourself.

If you do not feel comfortable having the other person join you in the exercises, but still want to understand that relationship better, you can fill out forms from your own perspective. Analyze how you see their non-defensive behaviors and then compare them to your own.

Note: I caution you here, again, to be focused on making the relationship better, not on proving yourself “better” than the other person.

 

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Additional Exercises:

Once you have done one or more sets of exercises, you can begin to think creatively about what your non-defensive choices mean in your life, such as:

•	Whether your assertiveness or gentleness is more developed.
•	Whether you show different strengths in non-defensive reactions with various people.
•	What non-defensive attitudes and behaviors are most apparent in how others treat you.
•	Non-defensive responses that you would appreciate receiving from others—which ones are you getting and which ones are you not getting

Through this process, we hope you gain new insights that help you strengthen various non-defensive responses to create more balance and fulfillment in your personal and professional relationships. We invite you to return to this site as often as you wish to expand on these exercises, and browse for new exercises, stories, articles, and book excerpts.

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