 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
||||||||
|
|
Conference
Topics: Evaluations: For Meeting
|
Keynotes & Presentations for Personal Growth Meetings and Conferences
Basic Topics All of the topics listed below can be tailored, with pertinent examples, to audiences from a wide range of organizations dedicated to personal growth, such as those focused on: human psychology, recovery, social movements (i.e. ecology, human rights, peace), and spirituality. Each presentation topic can be presented in the context of any issue, such as developing intimacy, parenting, facing spiritual challenges, dealing with issues related to addictions, or working toward social change. Participants will learn vital tools for listening and speaking in ways that can eliminate power struggle. When using the skills learned, they can take quantum leaps in personal growth and create strong, healthy relationships. Basic Topics
Why are We so Defensive? Making
the Shift to Non-Defensive Responses The Question: Did Curiosity Kill
the Cat - Or Win the Peace Prize? Stop Trying to Convince Others
and then They'll Really Listen! Speaking with
Clarity, Confidence, and Authority Don't Threaten Me! Promise Me
- A New Prescription for Respect and Reciprocity Changing Blueprints, Changing
Reality All of these basic topics focus specifically on key aspects of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC). The goal is two-fold:
Presentation Descriptions: The titles are designed to be as self-explanatory as possible and the topic descriptions to convey clearly and thoroughly what each presentation covers. Our goal here is to make it as easy as possible for you-as a conference organizer or other interested person-to quickly and effectively evaluate the desirability of any topic for your meeting or conference. Later, if you wish, the titles can be changed to meet the needs of your group. Also, the descriptions can shortened, the format altered, and/or content outlines can be included. Each of these topics covers one aspect of Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication. Or, all four topics can be incorporated into one presentation with more of an overview and less detail regarding each skill area. In addition, a longer, half-day or full-day presentation can provide a greater depth of information about this dynamic new communication paradigm. For more information on the PNDC process and/or training programs, see About PNDC or Training Options. Why are We so Defensive? Making
the Shift to Non-Defensive Impact
|
| Made me realize how pervasive defensiveness is! and how important it is to change it - plus we got real skills to do it! —Conference participant's evaluation |
When people in an audience are asked, "How well do you learn when you are defensive," the answers range from not well to not at all. Yet defensiveness is epidemic. Most people in the same audience say they can get defensive in a nano-second and have it affect them the rest of the day. We not only stunt our growth, but also severely damage our intimate and professional relationships when we are defensive. We polarize ourselves in various community groups, instead of seeking understanding and resolution.
Instead of staying entrenched in destructive power struggles, you can free yourself to take quantum leaps in your own growth and in how you build relationships that are strong and flexible. In this presentation, you will learn to identify the 6 common defensive modes people use daily in all kinds of relationships. You will gain skills in how to shift away from the tension and alienation of being defensive yourself. You will also learn how to react to each specific type of defensiveness when you see it in others. You no longer will have to be dependent on "getting the other person's cooperation" to communicate effectively. You can learn to respond with non-defensively clarity and power no matter what the other person does! Families and community organizations can learn to communicate in ways that create genuine resolution.
| It was amazing to feel the difference in how I reacted when [Sharon] modeled both a defensive and non-defensive tone, asking the same question. —Conference participant's evaluation |
Most of us are too busy making our own point to have fully developed the art of asking questions. And when we do ask questions, our demeanor often unconsciously reflects the centuries-old "mask of interrogation" that prompts others to get defensive instead of open up. Using a blend of story and skill building exercises, Sharon will guide participants in learning all about the magical power of non-defensive questions. Learning how to ask genuine, curious, innocent questions is the foundation for understanding, for intimacy, a foundation for meaningful, fulfilling relationships.
In this presentation you will learn all about the magical power of non-defensive questions. You will learn how a specific, tiny change in tone and becoming conscious of common, interrogating facial expressions can alter how your questions are received by others. Participants will experience how dramatic the difference is when the usual way of asking gets a defensive response that is so pronounced that audience members can feel it physically, and the new way of asking feels so disarming that people feel compelled to respond with openness and sincerity.
In addition, participants will learn a variety of formats for asking effective questions. Audience members can walk away with tools that can be used to promote healing and change in quantum leaps. The answer: It wins the prize.
| This is the way to express my opinion clearly and have it be respected. - In one hour I felt a sense of confidence. Sharon made me feel it can be safe to speak up. —Conference participant's evaluation |
This is the way to express my opinion clearly and have it be respected. - In one hour I felt a sense of confidence. Sharon made me feel it can be safe to speak up -Conference participant's evaluation
Typically, when seeking to convince others of an important point, people add forced energy, like a false front, trying to convince others to listen, often stating opinion as fact. They may hide any flaws they see in their own argument for fear of weakening their position. People often also hide their vulnerability unless they feel very "safe" with the other person. Most of us learned something about the "art of persuasion" in school or in life, but we didn't learn how it often causes power struggles, undermines our ability to protect ourselves, prevents us from being "heard," even when we are trying to help a loved one or friend.
You will get the chance to experience and compare both the old methods of "persuasion" and a new method for how to speak with clarity, confidence and authority. You can learn how to express yourself with a blend of vulnerability and honesty that has remarkable power, enhancing the odds that others will listen to you with greater openness and responsiveness. Making statements subjectively, like telling a story in a natural tone, can give inspiration to the expression of our beliefs, emotions, and thoughts.
The Greek Sophist Gorgias said that logos, the word, "with the smallest and most invisible body accomplishes the most god-like works." Using the skills presented, you can tap into the true power of your expression. Even in cases where others have closed ears, you do not have to lose the power of your voice, and you can walk away with increased self-esteem. Most often, this kind of genuine openness will draw others to feel trust and respect for you.
| Now I have the key to setting more effective limits without being harsh.—Conference participant's evaluation |
Most people think of making predictions in terms of the kind of "limit setting" parents do with children, a parental kind of "control." If one person does make a limit setting prediction, such as "If you don't bring your dirty clothes into the laundry room, then I won't wash them," the other adult might ask, "Are you threatening me?!" Most adults think that by the time they are "grown up" people should know how to cooperate and so they see limit setting with other adults as inappropriate.
Unfortunately, the result of this lack of willingness and ability to set boundaries destroys the fabric of may relationships. For example, allowing a partner to continue to interrupt us, day after day, year after year, without doing anything effective to stop the intrusion can severely damage the love. Many of the problems people have with limit setting do also carry over to how parents set limits with their children, often fluctuating between permissiveness and occasional outbursts of frustrated harshness, a throw-back to punitive attitudes.
In this presentation, you will learn how make simple, firm, gentle, predictions that relieve stress and enhance positive relationships with children and adults alike. You can learn and practice how to make predictions that are a promise instead of a threat, creating security through predictability. This kind of effective limit setting is absolutely essential to creating relationships built on respect and reciprocity. A bonus is that when people know how to be genuinely reciprocal they also become increasingly competent and can fulfill more of their individual potential.
| The power, the revealing quality, and the healing potential of this work is enormous. —Helen Greenspan |
I believe that many forces shape our life experience. One, often labeled as environment, can include anything from chance occurrences to cultural influences, other people, and divine presence. Another is our own pre-disposition, such as genetics, karma, and/or personality.
I believe that in the context of these other influences, we also do much to determine how we will experience the "reality" of our lives. I have developed a way to demonstrate how each of us creates "blueprints" that we use, often unconsciously, to give form and texture to what "happens to us." Just as we can make a blueprint for a house and then build the house accordingly, we can bring together certain Values, Emotions, Reasonings, and Behaviors (VERB elements) that shape how we experience anything: love, anger, freedom, commitment, eating, exercise, even external things such as rain or traffic.
In this Presentation I show how we create these blueprints at an early age, and demonstrate how they can give form to long term, self-defeating patterns in our lives that have no-win choices built into them. When a blueprint for a particular type of experience, such as love, is "split" into no-win choices, the person will find it difficult, if not impossible to find fulfillment in that area of her or his life. Each person in the audience will have opportunity to work on a significant childhood blueprint, which influences her/his life. Balanced and imbalanced blueprints will be examined as models for experiences such as nurturing, anger, competition, and work. The material that forms the basis for this workshop is from my forthcoming book.
The following are examples of specialized topics. Sharon can create a presentation on any topic you wish. The descriptions can be expanded or customized for various groups.
Eliminating our Own Victim Mentality
Non-Defensive Internal Dialogues:
A Key to Eliminating Old Self-Defeating Scripts
Shedding the "Spell"
of Entrenched Habits
Why Do We Give Negative People
So Much Control?
Blueprints in Conversation: Honoring
Difference, Creating Understanding
The Feedback Loop: How to Give
and Receive Feedback
The Real Apology: A Key to Healing
How to Stop Being Caught in the
Middle in Other People's Conflicts
Healthy Conflict: Without Games
and Manipulation
Expressing Strong Emotions with
Integrity and Wisdom
Burned out on Giving Encouragement?
- Learn to Empower Others Without Draining Yourself
Confronting People Who Engage
in Offensive Remarks or Behavior - Directly
and Without Being Harsh
Dealing with Denial - One of the
Crazy-Makers
Accountability: The Path to
Mature Power
Shifting Away from the Control
Trap
Equality: Getting off the One-Up-One
Down Teeter-Totter
Reciprocity: The circle 8 of Infinite
energy
Intimacy: More than sex, the Lifeline
of Human Connection
Change and Healing in the Family
of Origin
Social Change Movements: Are We
Defiant Rebels or Wise Leaders
Rediscovering Curiosity
Any time you are defensive, you will have the internal mental expectation of being victimized. This attitude automatically hands over some of your power to the other person. Learn how to move out of a victim mentality (even if you are being treated disrespectfully) so you can gain your full ability to protect yourself.
For most people, internal dialog is carried as an "argument" with the self, with one voice criticizing and the other defending. "You should have (or shouldn't have) done that," Well, but things have been hard and I'm doing my best." This kind of cyclical argument can go on for years, decades. In this presentation you can learn the skills you need to transforming your internal dialogue from a battlefield scene where you are both the abuser and the victim to a safe environment where discovery and healing take place.
Changing entrenched "problem" habits is often difficult. In many of our relationships, our habits often affect others profoundly. Others may feel irritated, invaded, insulted, or worried if the habit affects our health. The people involved may even disagree about whether a habit (lateness, interrupting, table manners, over-committing . . . ) is a problem or not.We will look at how to work within our relationships to strengthen a non-defensive approach to deal with habits that create relationship stress.
Often, at home and at work, we tend to give negative people who act cold, manipulative, depressive, hostile, and/or withholding, the power to control the agenda, our interactions and our mood. Learn to respond with firmness and compassion and stop such people from dragging you and others down.
In a sense, we all speak a different language, because every word we use has a set of values, emotions, reasonings, and behaviors built into it. We will practice using questions to draw out the "blueprint," map, or picture another person has for any word they use-such as judgment, responsibility, or cooperation-during a discussion about any topic. This can help us quickly gain an accurate understanding of the issues under discussion, increase our consciousness regarding differing "maps of reality," and possibly take some quantum leaps in personal growth.
People get incredibly defensive about giving and/or receiving feedback in personal relationships. Have you noticed that when people give feedback, it is often either critical, harsh, and judgmental or indirect and vague, perhaps even non-existent? Yet giving each other feedback is essential to our human relationships. Feedback loops inform us about the effect we have on one another and give us information we need in order to learn from our mistakes.
In this presentation you will learn how to how to use four steps for giving feedback from a place of honesty, wisdom, and compassion. It is a process that is likely to open up the other person to genuine listening. You will also learn how to hear and respond to feedback from others, even when it is given in a harsh way or even seems inaccurate. These skills provide a backbone for sharing wisdom and gaining essential insights.
Currently, most apologies are structured to avoid true accountability. In this presentation you can learn how to: (1) spot a bogus apology, (2) refraining from apologizing as a surrender to someone else's judgments, (3) respond effectively to people who give apologies which seem to be insincere, manipulative, or even blaming, and (4) take personal accountability by giving full, thorough apologies when you have done something you believe was inappropriate or hurtful. How you receive and give apologies is a vital factor in how you build your own character and hold others accountable.
Most of us have sometimes felt caught in the middle between two people, or even felt uncomfortable expressing our own opinion to other person when we are trying to be supportive. Also, sometimes we think we don't have a position at all because we have mixed feelings. This presentation will focus on identifying how being in the middle or even being "confused" can be an act of denying your own position. you will learn how to be supportive of others while maintaining a clear position of your own.
In the gamut of relationships, people have a great deal of difficulty dealing with conflict. In traditional communication, conflict is so often alienating, people are often afraid to deal with it for fear it will "make things worse." Or, old buttons get pushed and conflict can erupt in an instant, even when things are "going well." In this session, we'll look at how to approach conflict in ongoing relationships using PNDC skills.
Expressing the depth of our emotion is essential to keeping our own integrity and voice; as well as letting others know what kind of impact they have on us. Yet it is often difficult for people to know how to show strong emotions without feeling out of control or getting defensive. During this presentation you can learn how to express strong emotion non-defensively, while having your reasoning and integrity respected.
So often, when we try to support or encourage our intimate partner, another family member, or a friend, we may find that the person resists even our best efforts. We can come away drained, feeling that we are doing all the "work." We may shift from feeling supportive to irritated. This presentation will show you how common ways of giving support actually cause power struggle. You will learn how to encourage others in ways that are much more empowering, energizing, and rewarding.
Many of us get stuck in the moment when someone says something that is offensive to us or feels abusive, and as a result, we either say nothing, or become angry and attack back. The circumstances may vary widely- from a family member or friend saying something that offends us during a one-to-one interaction or in a small group setting, to an acquaintance or stranger making a comment in a public setting that assaults our values. During this presentation you will learn simple techniques for responding quickly and holding others accountable for what they say.
Most of us have felt crazy-made when someone isn't willing or able to hear our message, and seems to be in denial about something we think is obvious. It might be regarding the person's attitude or behavior or even how another person is treating her/him. Trying to force our way through the "denial," we can fall into power struggle as fast as Alice fell into the sometimes nightmarish Wonderland. In this presentation you will learn how to respond effectively without either being drawn into accepting the other person's denial, or feeling compelled to drag the person out of it.
In many of our relationships, it is very difficult to figure out how to deal with each person's accountability. When does holding another person accountable become an effort to exert inappropriate control over the person. If the other person won't look at her/his behavior, how do I hold myself accountable without taking more than my share of the responsibility? When am I taking accountability when it doesn't belong to me, refusing it when it does?, In this session, we'll look at how the PNDC framework can help us create a healthy balance in how we hold ourselves and/or others accountable.
Our traditional communication is permeated with a myriad of subtle ways that we try to exert control over other people. Many times we try to "get" others to tell us what they are feeling when they don't want to. Or, we try to force our ideas on them when they don't want to listen. In many cases, we even believe that it is necessary to do so.
In this presentation you will learn how to identify the hooks that pull you into the "control trap." You'll have an opportunity to identify ways that you erroneously perceive attempts to control others as simply trying to meet your own needs or even as "helping" the other person. Such efforts can leave you feeling frustrated, angry and helpless, without realizing your own part in the problem. Then you'll learn how to have clarity and meet your needs without trying to force others to listen or to change.
One of the things I have noticed is that even when people are practicing non-defensive skills, they seem to take turns being the authority figure, teacher, parent, critic, or advice-giver. Because of the pervasive influence of the War Model, we slide easily into "one-up" and "one-down" positions, usually involving one of the people telling the other person how to fix their communication or some other problem. This session will focus on how to avoid the one-up or down trap and use our own non-defensive skills to communicate as equals.
Reciprocity, as far as I am concerned, is essential to the health of any relationship, the circle eight of infinite energy. At the same time, it is difficult to sort out how to make it work. On the one hand, it can become a score-card of who has done what and whose turn it is, which becomes more like a barter or business deal than a nurturing relationship. On the other hand, one person may pick up far more of the slack and be taken for granted.. This session will focus on how to use a non-defensive approach to evaluating and creating reciprocity that has a balance of spontaneity and consistency so that each person feels nurtured and appreciated.
The ability to feel intimately connected to others is, for many of us, the most valuable experience we can have. While we tend to think of "intimacy" as what we have with a lover or spouse, it can be a quality of relationship that we can have anytime we feel a deep bond with another. Traditional communication blocks intimacy, leading many of us to consider it rare. Using non-defensive communication, intimacy can occur at any moment, be a regular part of life. This session will focus on how to increase your capacity for intimacy.
Changing how we interact with our own parents, siblings, and extended family is often one of our greater challenges in life. Most of us are painfully aware of how difficult this can be, because of past hurts, unmet expectations, and entrenched "family systems." Even if we believe we have evolved beyond our parents (or siblings) level of functioning, they often still have a mythic power over us which can prevent us from achieving full personal maturity, creativity and authority. This workshop will focus on how to change long-standing patterns of interaction with our family of origin. The results can carry over into all realms of our lives.
So often when we work toward vital social change, we engage in power struggle with the "powers that be," who are supporting the status quo, or implementing policies that we consider to be destructive. The issue may be anything from environmental issues, to human rights, to world peace. When we engage in power-struggle, our efforts become defiant and we unwittingly give power to our "opponent." We live out the prediction Einstein made when he said, "We cannot solve a problem with the same consciousness with which it was created." In this workshop, we will focus on how to work toward social change in ways that demonstrate our wisdom, are more powerful in achieving true change, and become more deeply healing even when our goals are not fully met.
One of the primary building block of genuinely open communication is curiosity. In this session, we will focus on using curiosity as our guide so we can stop reacting defensively when our "buttons are pushed" by anyone. Whether speaking to a stranger, someone we dislike, or someone we love, curiosity can give us the freedom to be ourselves-spontaneous and real.
A Meeting of Two Paths to Empowerment
- Enhance your personal power by using Chi Kung
exercises to shift your energy and attitude
while practicing non-defensive communication.
Double Your Pleasure, Double
Your Fun, Quadruple Your Productivity
- Eliminate limiting concepts about how "work"
has to be done and not only accomplish far more,
but become inspired and creative.
Natural Leadership for Women
- Learn a leadership style that is comfortable
and confident, respected by others in both intimate
and professional relationships
With Vicki Dello Joio and Sharon Ellison
The audience will participate very actively in this presentation. The focus will be two-fold:
With Monza Naff, PhD and Sharon Ellison
As children we play. As adults we work. In school, helping each other on a test is called cheating. We carry these ideas into our grown-up home-life and work-life, often making our lives far more difficult than they would have to be. We get bogged down, and don't learn as well as we might. Then we get defensive and things go from bad to worse.
During this presentation, participants will join with Monza and Sharon and learn how to think outside the box in terms of making work easier and more fun. Participants will learn some surprising things, such as how to avoid doing tasks they dislike. They'll also learn how to help each other more effectively, learn better and faster, find a myriad of creative approaches to mundane tasks and create effective solutions for complicated issues. This principles can be used at home and at work.
Participants will leave with a new mind set that brings play to work and home-tasks while enhancing competence and job satisfaction. Making this combined shift in attitude and behavior, people can go home from work rejuvenated and full of ideas for tomorrow. They can gain much more cooperation from family members and keep a smoother running home that enhances family solidarity and each person's competence.
Sharon Ellison co-facilitates this presentation with Fabienne McPhail, Mercedes Martin and/or other women in the PNDC Consortium
To realize our potential as women in the 21st century, we must stimulate others to value our competence and leadership styles. We still often struggle for respect even when we demonstrate strong leadership qualities. Too often, we are still viewed as either aggressive and harsh or nice and ineffectual, while men are seen positively as unemotional and competitive.
Using traditional communication patterns can hold us back, causing us to react defensively and locking us into stereotypes that cause us to be less-than- fully actualized. This damages our ability be respected as leaders at work and in the community. It also prevents us from being full peers in our intimate relationships, and/or respected for our wisdom within our families, We participate in undermining our own self-esteem and confidence, as well as engaging in power struggles that deplete our energy and block us from achieving our goals.
Together Sharon and one or more other women from the PNDC Consortium will demonstrate how women from various classes and races can use the power of non-defensive communication to overcome a history of oppression. The methods used are designed to help women achieve understanding and respect in interactions with other women and with men, in both intimate and professional relationships.
Using these skills can empower all of us as women to have greater strength in shaping a future in which effective leadership fuses assertiveness and compassion, giving us the tools we need to support and strengthen each other, and making our diversity an asset in creating strong families and communities.
Presentations on Natural Leadership can be offered for men and for mixed groups of men and women.
|
Home Trainings Speeches Trainers Clients Book/Tape Ezine Site Map Ellison Communication Consultants Powerful Non-Defensive
Communication is a trademarked name. Questions or comments about the PNDC Website? Please contact our webmaster.
|