Introduction

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Stories:
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Defensive
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Personal Stories

• A Friend's Complaint
  
  
• Late or Not?
  
  
• A Visit to the Doctor

A Friend's Complaint

"Miranda" had a friend, "Jacob," who would bring up a health problem and then resist when she suggested he seek treatment. It had become a sore spot between them. The next time he brought it up, she decided to use the PNDC format and asked, "Do you think you will decide to see a health practitioner or not?" He was taken aback by the question and answered honestly, "I don't know." Then she asked, "Do you resent it when I encourage you to go?" He replied, "Yes." So she gave her position: "When you talk about your fears about your health and at the same time angrily resist my suggestions about getting help, I feel helpless, worried, frustrated and even angry myself." And she offered a prediction, " If you want my support in getting help, then I'll give it to you. If you feel resentful when I encourage you to see someone, then I won't bring it up again." She told me, "I felt so much better, dealing with it that way. And to my shock, the next time I saw him he told me he had made an appointment!"

PNDC Tips

When a person brings up a complaint and then does nothing about it, we often make repeated suggestions trying to "convince" the person to take action. We can be left with resentment, feeling "captive" to their complaints and/or burnt out, listening to the same gripes again and again. Instead, we can ask the person a direct question about her/his intentions regarding solving the problem and/or regarding her/his reaction to our attempts to help. For example: "Do you think you will decide to do something about the situation or not?" Or, "Do you want me to help you think of solutions?" This not only gets us out of the power struggle, but it also often prompts the person to think through her/his own motives for complaining and take more accountability (pp. 119-125).

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Late or Not?

The couple in this account, Iris and Trevor, have encouraged the use of their own names. They want to support the idea that any of us can benefit from working openly to become non-defensive.

Workshop Situation

During a basic PNDC workshop, Iris and Trevor were working to resolve a conflict about "being on time." Trevor gets anxious when they are preparing to go somewhere and conveys his concern about being late by pressuring Iris to hurry. She expressed irritation about this:

If it were true that I am late, that would be one thing. But I'm not late. I am organized and always on time! He keeps worrying about something that never happens!

Trevor defended the legitimacy of his concern; their initial conversation mirrored their history of interaction on this topic.

I (Sharon) then provided Iris with several possible questions she could ask Trevor, and modeled asking them in a relaxed, non-defensive tone. One questions was:

Do you think of me as someone who arrives on time or arrives late?

Iris listened to my suggestions and then lit up with an idea of her own. She asked Trevor in a neutral, gentle tone:

Is it the way I pace myself when getting ready that makes you think that I will cause us to be late?

Trevor stared at her a minute, pulled his head back, squinted, as if he was trying to adjust some lens on his vision. He then said, haltingly, "Well, I guess so . . . [long pause], but now that I think of it . . . [long pause] you are always on time."

Iris looked incredulous and her mouth fell open when he said this in response to that single question. She told Trevor,

"This has been an issue for 11 years, and it's the first time you've ever acknowledged that I am on time."

What amazed Trevor, Iris, and the rest of the group was how our defensiveness can lead us to consistently react without really thinking, even when the same dynamic repeats itself for years! When Iris asked a genuinely curious question, she discovered that Trevor did have a reason for being nervous, but not one she'd ever thought of. He perceived her style as being scattered and feared that she would not succeed in pulling things together at the last minute. Iris, on the other hand, trusted her way of organizing herself and knew she would be ready.

The group observed that-once Iris put herself into a non-defensive, open state of mind-the question that came to her about her pacing/organizational style was exactly the right one to get at Trevor's issue. I believe that when she dropped her own defenses and became curious, her intuitive awareness was free to lead her to words that went straight to the core of the issue. And Trevor took the "non-defensive quantum leap," where he suddenly gained deeper insight about his own issue. Such quantum leaps are often preceded by the kind of "backing up and squinting" that Trevor experienced prior to seeing the situation in a new way. I believe that's because it is often unsettling to our vision to redraw our maps of "reality."

Post-Workshop Interview

Sharon: What did you experience when Iris asked you that question?

Trevor: I experienced an incredible second of total disorientation because what she was saying went straight past my ego. It went straight to my heart.

Sharon: Did you feel a loss of power, or gain, or something different?

Trevor: I felt a gain through self-understanding. I had just been handed a gift. In that one second I got a sense that we are spiritual beings all connected at some level, like a huge internet. Speaking this way creates a direct connection, without all the interference. I couldn't defend against it. I couldn't attack it. The fortress wall came right down. I sensed that this went to the place where my essential being is. Iris was not coming from any ego or agenda. She asked a pure, simple question. It was magical today.

When we're so defensive, it's as if we are acting out a play; assuming a role, a costume, and this (being non-defensive) is like dropping all that and becoming the real people who are discussing the play.

Iris: I realized if I had made a statement first about how I am on time, or that you don't need to worry, then I'd be so pulled into my own point of view that I'd see you as being unfair and feel victimized by your anxiety. Then, using your metaphor, I would have dropped into "character," in our own ongoing play. The question freed me from the old role, the old character.

Trevor: It (the question) didn't feel like it came from the Iris I know. The defenses and the insecurities. It came from the spirit of Iris to the spirit of Trevor. If we are spiritual beings, then maybe for this lifetime we have costumes-age, male, female-that hang on us while we're here. That's what gets in the way. What I like about it (PNDC) is that it makes spiritual things so practical. I don't like airy-fairy stuff. This is down to earth and practical.

I thought, 'she's right, we do get there on time, I don't need to worry.'

Iris: And I just couldn't believe how simple it was. One single question. And he just went, "Oh, yeah, that's right. You are always on time." Unbelievable.

Trevor: It's shocking to think I could argue about this off and on for 11 years and never even get to where I actually absorbed the fact that we are not late, because we were both so locked in power struggle. Before, I was so defensive, I couldn't hear. You weren't attacking when you asked me that question; it disarmed me completely.

Sharon's Comments

When I suggested the original question, I did not know which person's perception about Iris being late was more accurate, or whether the truth was somewhere in between. So often, in ongoing disagreements, we ask questions in such an accusing or point-proving tone. When we do this, we increase the likelihood the other person will react defensively instead of actually thinking about the question. People often comment, "Oh. A non-defensive question really makes the other person think!"

When we ask a non-defensive question such as "Do you think of me as a person who arrives on time or arrives late?" our genuine intention is to encourage the other person to think about and express his true opinion. It is not to get him to admit that we are right or in any way prove our own point.

If Trevor thought carefully about the question and realized that there was a discrepancy between how he perceives Iris and how she actually functions, he might say (as he did in response to her question) "No… I guess you're not late."

On the other hand, if Trevor had said, "Yes, I do think of you as someone who is late" and had given examples, then Iris would have to reconsider her own position. Or, if he said, "Yes," but gave no examples, she could ask for some examples. If Iris were locked into power struggle, her question could easily revert to an accusatory tone, "Well, can you give me any examples?" Here, the tone implies that he will fail and she will win game point. If asking for examples, her tone must be sincere, non-judgmental, and open to the possibility that Trevor might cite an example(s) she has forgotten about.

PNDC Tips

When we communicate within the context of the war model and see a discrepancy in what someone says, we use it to prove them wrong. Conversely, within the non-defensive model, "in the cracks of our contradictions lies a wealth of information." Here, even if Iris were always on time and Trevor always worried, instead of trying to prove him wrong, Iris could ask him with genuine curiosity, "Given that I am always on time, what makes you worried that I will be late?"

Trevor's concern might have come from some past experience prior to knowing Iris. Or, perhaps she was late only once, but the event carried such significance that he continued to be concerned that it would happen again. Or, as was actually the case, his worry could come from Iris' manner of pacing herself. When we ask questions in an open-minded and curious spirit, we often find surprising information that takes us to a new depth of understanding.

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A Visit to the Doctor

I saw a doctor this week for some recent health problems. In the past he has made assumptions that seemed premature to me regarding my symptoms being caused by stress when he could not find any other causes during a short appointment with me. His behavior and assumptions infuriated me at the time. (One has to wonder why I came back, especially since I am a nurse!) I had to see him again this week about some abdominal pain I was having. He asked me just a few questions about my symptoms, but did not appear to listen to what I said and did not look at me when I pointed to the places which were causing me discomfort. Instead, while I was lying on the table and he was palpating my stomach he asked me questions which were obviously trying to identify emotional causes for my physical symptoms." So, what else is going on in your life?" " How's your relationship?" "How's work?". . .

He seemed dissatisfied with my answers, unable to accept that I was not confessing to being under huge ammounts of stress. I had already decided before going in that I was not going to get defensive and give my power power to him. At some point, while I was lying on my back and he was poking away at my abdomen, continuing to ask me questions about my personal life, I asked, " Doctor, are you trying to ask me if I'm under stress?" He literally fell backwards two steps, dropped his pen (disarming his weapon) and started nervously laughing, stumbling over his words, saying "Well, yes . . .um.. well . . . that's what I was trying to do." I can't cop to being totally non-defensive, as I took great pleasure from his reaction. But it was amazing to see the power of the question in action. He remained somewhat undone for the rest of the visit, but he actually starting looking me in eye, listening to what I was saying and staying more focused on my symptoms. —Name Withheld

PNDC Tips

I happen to know that the patient in this case was a woman, so I'll give her a name, Martha. Martha's comment about not giving her power away by getting defensive is very important, because I think that whenever we get defensive, we are more likely to freeze up and feel powerless and/or get angry in a way that allows the other person to blame us for over-reacting or acting inappropriately.

Martha noted how powerful the non-defensive question was. Initially, it often seems almost too simple to people when they ask such questions. People comment, "Why would I ask if he thinks I'm under stress? Isn't it obvious that that's why he is asking those questions?" The reason such simple questions are so powerful is that they give the other person the chance to affirm, deny or qualify his/her intentions and meaning. It also hold the person more accountable for what he/she is saying. Hence, the doctor acted surprised, taken back by the question, as if he thought his motives and actions were a secret, and he had just been found out. Once he owned his intentions, he shifted spontaneously, and treated Martha with more respect.

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