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Youth Stories

• Three-year Old Limit Setting
  
  
• Third Grade Name Calling
  
  
• Teenager Diffusing Verbal Harassment
  
  
• A Non-defensive Approach to a Difficult Teen

Three Year Old Limit Setting

I've written this story up to send to your website because what I learned from your book has made my life so much saner. My three year old son, Danny, had the aggravating habit of dawdling, well, more than dawdling, he would outright resist doing what I asked him to do, whether it was coming to me when I wanted him to, or to the table for a meal, or to the car when we were ready to go somewhere, or to his room at bedtime. It made my life difficult because then his brother, James, who is less than a year older and usually easy-going, would also join in the fuss. I found myself ready to scream (Well, once in a while I actually did).

I decided to try some of the ideas you outline in your book about limit setting with kids. I used the idea of starting small, so I said to Danny one day, when were already at the car and he was resisting getting into his car seat, "If you get in the car seat, great, If not, I'll put you in." He screamed and I put him in. But after a few times doing this, maybe three or four, he suddenly started climbing in himself when I gave him the choice. In fact, most of the time I didn't even have to ask him anymore. I was pretty amazed. But sometimes he still wouldn't get in, and then I'd have to put him in.

I started giving this kind of "do it yourself or I'll do it for you" limit with all sorts of things. In the morning, I'd say, "It's time to get dressed. If you want, you can take your jammies off, but if you don't, I'll take them off for you." Or at night, I'd do the same thing when it was time for the clothes to come off.

Every single time I wanted him to do something, I gave him the choice of doing it himself, or me doing it for him. I even said, "If you don't give me your cup so I can rinse it and put your milk in it for dinner, I'll come and get it myself". You'd think he'd just let me do it, but no way, he'd rather bring me that cup than have me come get it!

If I had to send him to time out, I'd say, "If you walk into your room by yourself, that's fine, if you don't, I'll carry you." That one came straight out of your book. It's where I got the "You do it, or I'll do it for you" idea for everything else. Most of the time if I tell him to go to his room for a time-out, he just goes and my friends have their mouths hanging open. What drives me crazy now, is why my friends won't do the same thing when they see how well it has worked for me! Actually some of them are starting to.

But the story that made me send this in the first place is the most amazing of all. The other day James was playing with the door to the microwave which is on a table. It was bugging Danny and he kept saying, "James, stop it!! Stop it!! James, don't do that!!", getting more upset all the time. Suddenly he stopped and just said, "James, if you don't close that door, then I'm going to do it." Just like that. And to my shock, James shut the door. The end. What more can I say?

PNDC Tips

I think that Sarah was really smart to start small with her limit setting. When parents try to set limits that are too big or too vague, for example, like trying to get a child to stop crying or go to bed quietly, the parent doesn't really have control over whether the child makes noise, and so it can turn into a power struggle that accelerates. It is very important to set limits where you can control the consequence you give, such as putting the child in her car seat, or taking his pajamas off. Once the child practices the choice-making offered by this kind of limit setting, then he or she is much more able to do the same with more complicated issues.

I refer to limit setting as one of the two types of "Predictions" in non-defensive communication. This is when I tell you (or the child) how I will respond, depending on what choice you make. The child climbs in the car seat, I do nothing. If the child doesn't climb in, I put him in. This process always involves the phrase "If you. . . then I."

So often parents of young children get caught in trying to get cooperation by saying things like "Shall we pick our toys up now?" Or, "If we pick the toys up, we can enjoy a clean house." The parent is using the "royal we" as a way to subtly convince the child to do what the parent wants. The kids often resist. I advocate letting the child know clearly what consequence is coming depending on which choice the child makes. I also say both sides of the prediction in a neutral way, starting with the more restrictive one.

This is the one place I would make a suggestion to Sarah. Sarah often said, "If you get in the car seat, great, If not, I'll put you in." She usually put the more restrictive consequence after the one that gave the child greater freedom of action. She was also less specific about the consequence if Danny did get in. I would say, conversely,

If you don't get in your car seat, then I will put you in.

If you do get in your car seat by yourself, then I won't have to put you in.

There is great power in specifically naming both sides of a consequence, assuming it is done neutrally, without any expression of frustration, or any effort to convince the child to make your preferred choice.

I think the reason a child responds so well to these parent-does-it or child-does-it choices is because children want to control their own bodies and minds. They want to learn and be competent. This kind of simple limit setting gives children the ability to learn to make choices that are empowering instead of disabling.

The bonus is that children not only learn to make choices that give them greater constructive power, but they also learn at the same time to set boundaries with peers. Sarah set limits with her three year old, and her three year old set a successful limit with his older brother!

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Third Grade Name Calling

Recently at a school where I was teaching Powerful Non-Defensive Communication to third graders, Maria raised her hand and said, "Could I practice this with someone here?" I said, sure, if the other person wants to. She asked, "LaKeisha, will you do it?" From across the room, LeKeisha said, "Ok.," and they both got up in front of the room. Maria said, "LaKeisha calls me stupid." LaKeisha shrugged. I asked Maria how it made her feel, and she said it hurt her feelings. LaKeisha laughed and rolled her eyes. I asked LaKeisha how she felt about hurting Maria's feelings and she mumbled, "I dunno," made a face and shrugged some more.

I shifted away from asking her how she felt about how hurting Maria's feelings, and asked her gently, "LeKeisha, What are you feeling right now?" She bolted over to me and whispered in my ear, "I'm scared."

I have never before whispered to someone in front of a room full of people, but I whispered back, "What are you scared of?" "Maria calls me skinny and she calls my mother skinny." I asked, "Would you say that out loud?" "I'll say she calls my mother skinny, but not me." "Ok." So she told Maria "You call my mother skinny." Working together with me, they both agreed not to call each other names and learned how to set limits with each other, such as "If you call me (or my mother) a name, I don't want to talk to you right now. If you don't call names, then I'll still talk to you."

Next, I did something else I have never done. I asked if they wanted to "shake on it." Neither moved. I watched myself ask again while I was wondering "Why am I doing this?" As I watched, LaKeisha slowly pulled her arm up at the elbow, with her hand hanging at her side, almost as if she was pulling a gun out of a holster, and then she put her hand out in front of her, very slowly, her fingers reaching toward Maria and her palm turned slightly up. It's hard to describe that moment. It possessed utter stillness and power. The whole room held its breath. Maria didn't move. LeKeisha continued to hold her hand outstretched, still, suspended.

Maria still didn't move. LaKeisha looked down at her own hand and watched it for a while, as if deciding what to do with it. She said "Well . . ." Then silence. Then, mused, "I guess I could shake the air." And she did. In a slow motion that permeated the room with tenderness, she moved her hand up and down in the air, over and over. Alone. Then Maria reached out slowly and took her hand.

Epilogue

I learned later that Maria and LeKeisha had often been sent together to the "time-out" space many times during the year because of their arguments and conflicts. They never went to time-out again during the second half of the year.

When I first started talking with LeKeisha, it seems she was rooted in her defensiveness and would never move. I did then, what I always try to do, to remember that defensiveness is like the false front on a building. It simply hides what's behind it. I always try to talk to the person behind the wall, trusting that what's inside is likely to be far different from what I am seeing.

That day in the classroom, I believe we were all witness to the moment when LeKeisha stepped completely outside the confines of power struggle. She became willing to extend herself and act in a non-defensive way even when she was not met by Maria. She simply went on to decide what she would do with her own hand. The room, full of extremely active third graders and several adults, was so held by Lekeisha's experience, it was as if we had to shake ourselves out of a trance in order to go on.

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Teenager Diffusing Verbal Harassment

I was called to come into a high school where there had been a gang murder, started when one student called another student's mother some names. I taught 450 students how to use non-defensive communication to diffuse conflict, working with them in classes of about thirty students. During each hour-long session, I would start by calling up a student volunteer to role-play with me. With the administration's permission, I temporarily disbanded the campus rule against name calling. I had the student call me names and I called names back. Of course it accelerated quickly in intensity. I then asked the students how quickly they thought an argument could turn into a fight. The answers ranged from a few seconds to instantly-no time.

I showed the students how to use non-defensive communication to slow down or eliminate the conflict, using my techniques, along with words they were comfortable with. The day after the workshops were completed, the security guard at the high school reported that he heard one student doing the same thing that had precipitated the fight and murder-calling another student's mom names.

This time, according to the guard, the student being harassed simply asked, calmly, "Why are you saying that about my mom." The other student shrugged, said, "I don't know, I just wanted to piss you off, I guess," and walked away.

PNDC Tips

When one person is teasing or harassing another, her or his goal is usually to get a reaction. I showed the students in "real-time" how they lose control every time they let someone push them into being reactive. They learned various ways to keep their own control. One method was to ask the other person a simple question, for example, about her or his motives. Of course, if the question is asked in anger or any level of frustration, it can quickly accelerate the power struggle. It must be asked with non-defensive neutrality. That's exactly what this student did. By calmly asking "Why are you calling my mom names?" he invited the other boy to examine his own motives. I find it amazing is how often the other person - child, teen, or adult - will genuinely stop and think. In this case, the other kid named his motive - "to piss you off" - and then abandoned his efforts and left.

A shorter version of this story can also be found in Taking the War Out of Our Words, page 94.

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Teen Who has Demanding and Uncooperative Habits

A story from Taking the War Out of Our Words

Corey had ongoing arguments with her daughter, Beth, who resisted doing housework. Beth would tell her mom she didn't have time to do the dishes, or agree to do them and then not, or get angry and say Corey was unfair and expected too much. In response, Corey, trying to control her tone, would plead through gritted teeth, "I think I have a right to expect some help with the household chores. I can't work all day and do everything around here too. I'm not being unreasonable, I just want us to cooperate."

Sometimes Corey would express her frustration more aggressively, saying "I don't think it is too much to ask for some help doing the dishes when I work all day and buy the groceries and fix the meals! ".

While Corey had a legitimate need for her daughter to do more of the housework, her intention when she threatened - "I won't buy your prom dress if you don't shape up and help around here! - was to make Beth feel insecure and frighten her into helping."

[Corey often gave in even after making threats]

As Corey began to practice non-defensive communication, she sat down with Beth when she was not seeking Beth's help and asked her some genuine questions.

"Do you believe I should do all the housework?"

"When you say I am being unfair to ask you to help, do you say it because you are angry or because you think you should not have to help at all?"

"Do you have any desire to help me around the house?"

Previously, any question Corey had asked Beth had been designed to coerce Beth into helping. In response to genuine questions, Beth - underneath her defensiveness - showed more concern and desire to share the work than Corey would have ever imagined. While it was still an uphill trek, this conversation laid the groundwork for some significant changes in how they resolved issues around housework . . .

Corey had been a permissive parent until she began making consistent predictions. She made it clear that if Beth did not do her homework and her chores with a respectful attitude, she would not give her permission to attend certain activities with her friends . . .

Rather than arguing with Beth, Corey [said] to her, "It seems that you believe I am unfair for asking you to do the dishes tonight. What I have noticed is that you say I am unfair each time I ask you to help with housework." . . .

The first time Corey told her daughter she would not drive her to a slumber party if she continued to speak to her in a demanding, rude, tone, Beth threw a royal fit, even though she could easily ride with a friend who lived nearby.

As Corey began to make predictions that emphasized reciprocity, she consistently refused to give Beth permission to go out with her friends until her jobs and homework were done. "If you don't finish the dishes by seven, then you may not leave for the party until you finish them."

As Corey effectively carried out the consequences she had predicted, Beth's behavior and attitude improved at home, as did her grades at school. Corey had also been worried that Beth was starting to drink too much. That too, tapered off. The effect of a few consistent predictions at home began to have a wide-reaching effects in how competently Beth managed her life.

PNDC Tips

As parents we often defend or justify our own legitimate need to get cooperation from our children and teens, which is what Corey does in the beginning of this story. In addition, she tries to get cooperation without setting effective limits, and then when over her edge with frustration she makes threats that she won't keep, like not buying the prom dress. This shifting back and forth from attempts to get cooperation through what really boils down to pleading with a child to frustrated threats is common among parents who are trying to create a cooperative family life without being punitive. Unfortunately, it fosters uncooperative, complaining, and blaming behaviors in children, damaging their ability to become competent and respectful.

When Corey began to practice non-defensive communication, she never tried to control Beth's choices, she simply asked genuine questions to ask Beth to think about what her attitudes and opinions really were about wanting to help her mother, gave her feedback about noticing that Beth accused her of being unfair each time she was asked to contribute, and setting clear boundaries that attached Beth's privileges to how much responsibility she took.

Never in this process did she coerce, lecture, or threaten. It allowed Beth to think about her own behavior without being locked into power struggle. When Corey made a limit setting prediction, she followed through each time, but used predictions that were as small as possible. For example instead of telling Beth she couldn't go to the party if she didn't get the dishes done by seven, she told her, She couldn't go to the party "until" they were done. Instead of taking away the whole party, she only refused permission for as many minutes as it took Beth to finish. This was much more motivating and empowering for Beth and diffused the likelihood of a more intense power struggle.

The change in Beth's drinking habits are a bonus that often comes when clear boundaries create an environment in which a child or teen becomes more competent and reciprocal.

A Note from Sharon: In my book, I follow many of the examples throughout the book, so you, as the reader, can see the progress in a particular issue from the beginning, defensive interactions through shifting to non-defensive solutions. In this story I have included some portions from 18 different pages of my book.

Because I always find it frustrating when I can't find an example I want to return to in a book, I created an Index of Examples in my book, which shows every topic/story in the book and each pages it appears on, including examples in various categories of relationship, such as couples, parents, and professionals.

To see that index of examples from the book, click here.

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